Rurouni Kenshin and the Holy Sakabato
by Rainfelt aka Phoe-chan
Summary: Rurouni Kenshin goes Monty Python style! Join King Kenshin and his Samurai of the Laundry in their quest for the Holy Sakabato! Scene 19: Megumi, the Next American Idol. And the crowd goes wild. Really.
1. Scene 1: Rice Balls

A/N: Does it get any stranger than this? AND YOU THOUGHT MY NEKO STORIES WERE BAD!! BWUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! *Cough* Now for the credits...OLAY!  
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Rurouni Kenshin and the Holy Sakabato.  
  
The Credits  
(To see the actually Holy Grail opening credits, please visit this link: http://www.mwscomp.com/movies/grail/g-titles.htm )  
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Disclaimer: Rurouni Kenshin is the product and property of Watasuki Nobuhiro. We tried sacking him for the credit but he kept yelling ....one of the sacred words the Knights of Wee cannot say.  
  
Monty Python and the Holy Grail is property of Monty Python. If we thought otherwise we would be sacked.  
  
--And the majestic tanuki!--  
  
Mywiel Phoenix took Rurouni Kenshin and Monty Python and combined them--  
  
--A tanuki-girl once hit me with a bokken!--  
  
SACK  
  
Sorry for that interruption, the baka has been sacked.  
  
As I was saying, Mywiel Phoenix takes no credit in the characters or original story, she just--  
  
--No, REALLY! I was complaining about how the miso soup wasn't supposed to be green and out of no where a bokken appears and she hits me on the head with it!--  
  
SACK!!   
  
The people responsible for sacking the sacked have just been sacked. Since it cost so much to sack them the credits were finished in a different fashion at last minute at budget cost.  
  
BONZAI!!  
  
Special thanks to:  
  
140 Kyoto Kunoichi  
  
SUSHI!!  
  
200 blubbery Geisha  
  
14 fishbone chewing lackeys  
  
WASABIIII!!!  
  
1 Red haired Oro-man.  
  
and the 15,024 riceballs that gave their life to the making of this film. A memorial will be held for them next Thursday at Shrine Anthrax.  
  
Please enjoy the Show.  
  
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Scene 1  
  
[opening music]   
[wind]   
[clop clop clop]   
  
King Kenshin: Whoa there, de gozaru yo.  
  
[clop clop clop]   
  
Samurai #1: Halt! Who goes there?   
  
Kenshin: It is Sessha, Kenshin, baka denshi of Hiko Seijuro, from the Dojo of Kamiya. King of the Oros, defeater of the Shinsen Gumi, Sovereign of all Laundry!!!   
  
Samurai #1: Pull the other one!   
  
Kenshin: Sessha is,... and this is my trusty servant Yahiko.   
  
Yahiko [mutters] You'll pay for that Kenshin.  
  
Kenshin: [Ignoring him] We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of samurai and..other people who will join me in my Dojo at Kamiya. I must speak with your lord and master.   
  
Samurai #1: What? Ridden on a horse?   
  
Kenshin: Yes!   
  
Samurai #1: You're using riceballs!   
  
Kenshin: Nani?  
  
Samurai #1: You've got two really burnt and rock hard riceballs and you're bangin' 'em together.   
  
Kenshin: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the city of Tokyo, through--   
  
Samurai #1: Who cooked the riceballs?  
  
Kenshin: Err, no one, de gozaru yo!  
  
Samurai #1: C'mon fess up, which of you is the awful cook?   
  
Kenshin: What do you mean, de gozaru ka?  
  
Samurai #1: Well it had to be one of you who tried to cook those riceballs cuz no woman can do THAT bad.  
  
Kenshin: The greatest of chefs are men and men who are travelling must cook for themselves, yet they are not women?  
  
Samurai #1: Are you suggesting a woman cooked these rice balls?   
  
Kenshin: [Gets image of angry Kaoru] N-N-Not at all. It was me who cooked them.   
  
Samurai #1: What? A king who cooks rock rice balls?   
  
Kenshin: I burnt them!   
  
Samurai #1: You didn't just burn them, you charcoaled them, petrified them and then turned them to stone!   
  
Kenshin: Well, it doesn't matter. Will you go and tell your master that Kenshin from the Dojo of Kamiya is here?   
  
Samurai #1: Listen. In order to get the rice balls just right, you need to keep a continuous watch on them!  
  
Kenshin: Please, de gozaru yo!   
  
Samurai #1: Am I right?   
  
Kenshin: I'm not interested, de gozaru yo!   
  
Samurai #2: He could get one of those little timer thingies.  
  
Samurai #1: Oh, yeah, a timer really helps, but we're in the 7th century. That's my point, he'd have to watch them.  
  
Samurai #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that.   
  
Kenshin: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my dojo at Kamiya?!   
  
Samurai #1: But then of course a-- you gotta make sure the timer works, you know how reliable batteries are.   
  
Samurai #2: Oh, yeah.   
  
Samurai #1: So, you could still burn the rice balls.   
  
[clop clop clop]   
  
Samurai #2: Wait a minute! Supposing you had someone else watch your rice balls for you?   
  
Samurai #1: No, friends are so unreliable these days.   
  
Samurai #2: Well, simple! You'd pay them!   
  
Samurai #1: With what, your burnt rice balls?   
  
Samurai #2: Well, why not?  
  
Tsuzukeru...  
  
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Oki that's the end of scene one. ^^; I know very stupid. Please give me an R&R tho, I'd love to hear from you muchly! I will try to have the next section up asap! The more reviews you give the more I'll hurry! ^__^  
  
Thankies!  
  
~Mywiel Phoenix 


	2. Scene 2: Bring Out your Dead

A/N: w00t! I love reviews! Okii heres scene two, read at you..discretion? hehehe!  
  
Disclaimer: Watasuki Nobuhiro owns RK and the Monty Python Team own the Holy Grail  
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Rurouni Kenshin and the Holy Sakabato  
  
Scene 2  
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[thud]   
[clang]   
Jin'eh: Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! [clang]   
  
[People scatter for cover]  
  
Jin'eh: Bring out your dead! [clang] Bring out your dead! [cough cough...] [clang] [...cough cough] Bring out your dead! Ninepence.   
  
Jin'eh: Bring out... [woman bangs cat against wall] [rewr!] ...your dead! [rewr!] [clang] Bring out your dead!   
  
Goheh: Here's one.   
  
Jin'eh: Ninepence.   
  
Kiheh: I'm not dead!   
  
Jin'eh: What?   
  
Goheh: Nothing. Here's your ninepence.   
  
Kiheh: I'm not dead!   
  
Jin'eh: 'Ere. He says he's not dead!   
  
Goheh: Yes, he is.   
  
Kiheh: I'm not!   
  
Jin'eh: He isn't?   
  
Goheh: Well, he will be soon. He's very ill.   
  
Kiheh: I'm getting better!   
  
Goheh: No, you're not. You'll be stone dead in a moment.   
  
Jin'eh: Oh, I can't take him like that. It's against regulations.   
  
Kiheh: I don't want to go on the cart!   
  
Goheh: Oh, don't be such a baby.   
  
Jin'eh: I can't take him.   
  
Kiheh: I feel fine!   
  
Goheh: Well, do us a favour.   
  
Jin'eh: I can't.   
  
Goheh: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won't be long.   
  
Jin'eh: No, I've got to go to the Shinsen Gumi'. They've lost nine today.   
  
Goheh: Well, when's your next round?   
  
Jin'eh: Thursday.   
  
Kiheh: I think I'll go gamble.   
  
Goheh: You're not fooling anyone, you know. Look. Isn't there something you can do?   
  
Kiheh: [singing] I feel happy. I feel happy.   
  
Jin'eh: [does the one sided heart and suffocates Kiheh.]  
  
Goheh: Ah, thanks very much.   
  
Jin'eh: Not at all. See you on Thursday.   
  
Goheh: Right. All right. [howl] [Kenshin and Yahiko "ride" by] [clop clop clop] Who's that, then?   
  
Jin'eh: I dunno. Must be a king.   
  
Goheh: Why?   
  
Jin'eh: He hasn't got shit all over him.   
  
Tsuzukeru..  
---------  
Ano, since this was such a short and rather --boring-- scene, I'm gonna do another one for ya. Aren't I nice? Now you be nice and leave Phoe-chan a nice little review ^_^; 


	3. Scene 3: King of the Laundry

A/N: This is so much fun....  
  
Disclaimer: Psh, if i owned either of them do you think i'd be sitting here? HA!  
----------  
Rurouni Kenshin and the Holy Sakabato  
  
Scene 3  
----------  
  
[thud]   
[King Kenshin music]   
[thud thud thud]   
[King Kenshin music stops]   
  
Kenshin: Old woman-dono!   
  
Shigure: Man!   
  
Kenshin: Man. Sorry. What samurai lives in that dojo over there?   
  
Shigure: I'm thirty-seven.   
  
Kenshin: Shessha--Nani?  
  
Shigure: I'm thirty-seven. I'm not old.   
  
Kenshin: Oro...Well, I can't just call you 'Man'.   
  
Shigure: Well, you could say 'Shigure'.   
  
Kenshin: Well, I didn't know you were called 'Shigure'. O.o  
  
Shigure: Well, you didn't bother to find out, did you?   
  
Kenshin: I did say 'sorry' about the 'old woman-dono', but from the behind you looked--   
  
Shigure: What I object to is that you automatically treat me like an inferior!   
  
Kenshin: Well, I am King, de gozaru yo!  
  
Shigure: Oh, King, eh, very nice. And how d'you get that, eh? By doing laundry! By 'anging on to outdated washboards which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society. If there's ever going to be any progress with the--   
  
Toki: Shigure, there's some lovely filth down here. Oh! Hajime mashite?   
  
Kenshin: How do you do, good lady? I am Kenshin, King of the Laundry. Who's dojo is that?   
  
Toki: King of the what?   
  
Kenshin: The Laundry.   
  
Toki: Are you serious??  
  
Kenshin: Well, yes. Sessha does a lot of laundry so he is King of it..   
  
Toki: AHAHAHAHAHA!! I thought only women do laundry!   
  
Shigure: You're fooling yourself. Men are just as responsible as women, no matter the sex--  
  
Toki: Oh, there you go bringing sex into it again.  
  
Shigure: That's what it's all about. Hell, that's what life's about!  
  
Kenshin: ORO?! Please! Please, good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?   
  
Toki: No one lives there.   
  
Kenshin: Then who does your laundry?   
  
Toki: What?   
  
Shigure: I told you, we take turns doing the laundry...   
  
Kenshin: Yes.   
  
Shigure: ...but we don't use the old fashion wash boards and fire heated water...  
  
Kenshin: Yes, I see.   
  
Shigure: ...we use modern technology with snuggles softener and..   
  
Kenshin: Be quiet de gozaru yo!   
  
DENNIS: Which is really nice for our rugged filth covered clothing...  
  
Kenshin: .!! Be quiet! I order you to be quiet!   
  
Toki: Order, eh? Who does he think he is? Heh.   
  
Kenshin: I am your king!   
  
Toki: Well, I didn't vote for you.   
  
Kenshin: Gah! You don't vote for kings.   
  
Toki: Well, how did you become King, then?   
  
Kenshin: The Shihondai of the Kamiya Dojo,... [angels sing] ...her arm clad in the sweatiest of gi, held aloft a bokken from the wall of the dojo signifying by Divine Providence that I, Kenshin, was about to get my ass kicked. [singing stops] That is why I am your king!   
  
Shigure: Listen. Strange women hitting people in the head with bokkens is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some girl attacking you with a stick.   
  
Kenshin: [flashes battousai] Be quiet!   
  
Shigure: Well, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just 'cause you do a lot of laundry or because some girl shoved a wooden sword through your skull!   
  
Kenshin: Shut up!   
  
Shigure: I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor just because some bimbo hurled a sorry excuse for a weapon at me, they'd put me away!   
  
Kenshin now Battousai: Shut up, I SAID SHUT UP!!  
  
Shigure:Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system.   
  
Battousai: Violent this...  
  
Shigure: Oh! Come and see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I'm being repressed!   
  
Battousai: HITEN MITSURUGI RYU AMAKAKERU RYU NO HIRAMEKI!!   
  
Shigure (In many pieces): Oh, what a give-away. Did you hear that? Did you hear that, eh? That's what I'm on about. Did you see him chopping me to bits me? You saw it, didn't you?   
  
[Everyone shakes head]: He was too fast.  
  
Shigure: ...Poo.  
  
Kenshin: No one talks about MY Kaoru that way. [Rubs an old knot on his head and continues his merry way]  
-------  
) No one talks about HIS Kaoru that way. R&R please!! ^___^; 


	4. Scene 4: Bandaged Knight

A/N: Ara..I had a time deciding who would be the Black Knight...if I could decide easily this would have been posted a much bit sooner...O_o;;  
  
Disclaimer: I don't even own the word "Oro." So there.  
----------  
Rurouni Kenshin and the Holy Sakabato  
  
Scene 4  
----------  
  
[King Kenshin music]   
[music stops]   
  
Bandaged Samurai: Aaaagh!   
  
[King Kenshin music]   
[music stops]   
  
Bandaged Samurai: Aaagh!   
  
Blind Samurai: Ooh! [Runs into tree]  
  
[King Kenshin music]   
[music stops]   
[stab]   
  
Bandaged Samurai: Aagh!   
  
Blind Samurai: Watch the eyes!  
  
[King Kenshin music]   
  
Ooh! Uuh.   
  
[music stops]   
  
Bandaged Samurai: Aaaagh!   
  
[clang]   
  
Both Samurai: Agh!, oh!, etc.   
  
Blind Samurai: Aaaaaah! Aaaaaaaaah!   
[woosh] [Flings out a turtle shell]  
  
[Bandaged Samurai kills Blind Samurai]   
[thud]   
[scrape]   
Bandaged Samurai: [Sizzle]   
  
[clop clop clop]   
  
Kenshin: You fight with the strength of many men, Samurai Guy.   
[pause]   
I am Kenshin, King of the Laundry.   
[pause]   
Sessha seeks the biggest [Looks at self..] err, strongest and the bravest samurai in the land to join me in my court at Kamiya.   
[pause]   
You have proved yourself [notes dead samurai] ...worthy. Uhh..wanna join me?   
[pause]   
You make me sad. [sniffle] So be it. Come, Yahiko.  
  
Yahiko: Yes, your "shortness".  
  
Bandaged Samurai: None shall pass.   
  
Kenshin: Nanda? [Swats Yahiko with a rice ball.]  
  
Bandaged Samurai: None shall pass.   
  
Kenshin: I have no quarrel with you, mummy man, but Sessha must cross this bridge.   
  
Bandaged Samurai: Then you shall die.   
  
Kenshin: As King of the Laundry, Sessha says "please?"  
  
Yahiko: [stifles laughter]  
  
Bandaged Samurai: I move for no red-haired men.  
  
Kenshin: So be it! [puts on blonde wig]  
  
Bandaged Samurai: ...  
  
Kenshin: Fine, fine let's fight and get it over with.   
  
Kenshin and Bandaged Samurai: Aaah!, hiyaah!, etc.   
  
[Kenshin chops the Bandaged Samurai's left arm off]   
  
Kenshin: Now stand aside, uni-armed mummy.   
  
Bandaged Samurai: 'Tis but a scratch.   
  
Kenshin: A scratch? Your arm's off!   
  
Bandaged Samurai: No, it isn't.   
  
Kenshin: [Sweatdrop] Well, what's that, then? [Points to bandaged arm flopping madly]  
  
Bandaged Samurai: I've had worse.   
  
Kenshin: Oro! You liar!   
  
Bandaged Samurai: Come on, you rice ball!   
[clang]   
Huyah!   
[clang]   
Hiyaah!   
[clang]   
Ororo!!   
[Bandaged Samurai trips over loose bandages and Kenshin cuts his other arm off]   
  
Kenshin: Victory is mine! I-I mean...Sessha does not like to fight...  
[kneeling]   
We thank Thee Kami-sama, that in Thy mer--   
  
Bandaged Samurai: Hah!   
[kick]   
Come on, then.   
  
Kenshin: ORO? What?   
  
Bandaged Samurai: The strong shall live and the weak will die!!!   
[kick]   
  
Kenshin: I dunno if it's bravery or just plain stupidity but whatever it is, you sure got a lot of it.  
  
Bandaged Samurai: Oh, had enough, eh?   
  
[Battousai takes over while Kenshin goes for a coffee break]  
  
Battousai: Look, you stupid bastard. You've got no arms left.   
  
Bandaged Samurai: Yes, I have.   
  
Battousai: Look!   
  
Bandaged Samurai: So what if they're not connected to my body!   
[kick]   
  
Battousai: [Annoyed] Look, stop that.   
  
Bandaged Samurai: Chicken! [kick] Chickennn!   
  
Battousai: Screw the rurouni. C'mere you little..!  
[kick]   
[whop]   
[Battousai gladly chops the Bandaged Samurai's right leg off]   
  
Bandaged Samurai: Right. I'll do you for that!   
  
Battousai: [bemused] You'll what?   
  
Bandaged Samurai: Come here!   
  
Battousai: What are you going to do, bleed on me?   
  
Bandaged Samurai: I'm invincible! I'll rule all of Japan!  
  
Battousai: You're a looney.   
  
Bandaged Samurai: The strong live and the weak die!   
[whop]   
[Battousai chops the Bandaged Samurai's last leg off in hopes he dies off]   
  
Bandaged Samurai: Oh? All right, we'll call it a draw.   
  
Battousai: GAH I GIVE UP, DON'T DIE! SEE IF I CARE!!  
  
[Kenshin persona returns with a cup of coffee.]  
  
Kenshin: Did Sessha miss anything?  
  
Bandaged Samurai: [tries to slap forehead but only manages to fall over]  
  
Kenshin: Come, Yahiko.  
  
Yahiko: God, you're becoming more like Busu every day....  
  
Bandaged Samurai: Oh. Oh, I see. Running away, eh? You yellow bastards! Come back here and take what's coming to you you schizophrenic red-haired freak!. I'll bite your legs off!   
  
----------  
  
Well, its not the most original thing, but I get points for trying, ne? ^^; Don't worry I'll try to have more funnier, interesting parts up soon.  
  
Did ya guess who the Bandaged Samurai and the Blind Samurai were? *geegles*  
  
Yahiko: REVIEW! I want her to get this over with. Me, Myoujin Yahiko, a SERVANT?! Busu #2 you'll pay for this.  
  
*grabs Kaoru's bokken* Ahem??  
  
^^; 


	5. Scene 5: Burn the Crossdresser!

A/N: Sorry again for the late post. You all have permission to sack me and replace me with a llama. At least I got my Kenshin Neko stories updated. ^_^ And I'm gonna do a Soujiro/Misao ficcie (I LOVE SOUJIRO!) If you got ideas as to what you want in the fic, lemme know!  
  
Disclaimer: If I owned Monty Python, I'd probably be in my 40's by now. If I owned Kenshin, I'd be fluent in Japanese. Since I am neither of these, it is safe to assume that I take no credit. I'm just demented :D  
  
Note -- There is a few themes/words not really suitable for really young kids in this scene, so just be forewarned. This is one of those scenes that made me have to make this a pg-13 rated story. So sorry, totts!  
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Rurouni Kenshin and the Holy Sakabato  
  
Scene 5  
----------  
  
  
Shinsengumi: [parading and chanting] Aku soku za-a-annn. Evil swiftly sla-a-ainnnn. [all hit selves over the heads with ouigi boards]  
  
Aku soku za-a-annn,... [bonk]   
  
...Evil swiftly sla-a-ainnn. [bonk]   
  
Aku soku za-a-annn... [bonk]   
  
...Evil swiftly sla-a-ainn.   
  
JupponGatana: A cross-dresser! A cross-dresser! [bonk] A cross-dresser! A cross-dresser!   
  
Shinsengumi: [chanting] Aku soku za-a-aannn...  
  
JupponGatana: A cross-dresser! A cross-dresser! A cross-dresser! A cross-dresser! We've found a cross-dresser! A cross-dresser! A cross-dresser! A cross-dresser! A cross-dresser! We've got a cross-dresser! A cross-dresser! A cross-dresser! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! We've found a cross-dresser! We've found a cross-dresser! A cross-dresser! A cross-dresser! A cross-dresser!   
  
Anji: We have found a cros-sdresser. May we burn him?   
  
JupponGatana: Burn him! Burn! Burn him! Burn him!   
  
Aoshi: [stops meditating with a timer in his hands] How do you know he is a cross-dresser??   
  
Cho: He looks like one, ya ninny!  
  
JupponGatana: Right! Yeah! Yeah!   
  
Aoshi: [rubs temples] Bring him forward.   
  
Kamatari: I'm not a cross-dresser. I'm not a cross-dresser.   
  
Aoshi: [silently gags himself] ... You are dressed as one.   
  
Kamatari: They dressed me up like this.   
  
JupponGatana: Augh, we didn't! We didn't...   
  
Kamatari: And these aren't my boobs, they're fake!  
  
Aoshi: [pokes one] Well?  
  
Anji: Well, we did do the boobs.   
  
Aoshi: ...   
  
Anji: And the make-up, but he is a cross-dresser!   
  
Cho: Hell, yeah!  
  
JupponGatana: We burn him! Right! Yeaaah! Yeaah!   
  
Aoshi: Did you dress him up like this?   
  
Cho: HELL YEA--[SMACK] ow! ..no.  
  
Anji and Houji: No. No.   
  
Anji: No.   
  
Cho: No.   
  
Cho and Houji: No.   
  
Anji: Yes.   
  
Cho: Damn straight.   
  
Houji: Well, maybe a little...  
  
Anji: Not much.   
  
Houji and Cho: Really, not much.   
  
Anji: A bit.  
  
Houji: He has got girly looks.   
  
Aoshi: What makes you think he is a cross-dresser?   
  
Cho: Well he tried to turn me into a geisha!   
  
Aoshi: A geisha?  
  
Cho: I didn't pass the test.  
  
Anji: Burn him anyway!   
  
Houji: Burn!   
  
JupponGatana: Burn him! Burn! Burn him!...   
  
Aoshi: Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! There are ways of telling whether he is a cross-dresser.   
  
Cho: Are there?   
  
Anji: Ah?   
  
Houji: What are they?   
  
JupponGatana: Tell us! Tell us!...   
  
Aoshi: Tell me. What do you do with cross-dressers?   
  
Cho: Burn!   
  
Anji: Burn!   
  
JupponGatana: Burn! Burn them up! Burn!...   
  
Aoshi: And what do you burn apart from cross-dressers?   
  
Cho: More cross-dressers!   
  
Anji: Shh!   
  
Houji: Riceballs!   
  
Aoshi: So, why do cross-dressers burn?   
  
[pause]  
  
Houji: B--... 'cause they can't cook?   
  
Aoshi: Good.   
  
JupponGatana: Oh, yeah. Oh.   
  
Aoshi: So, how do we tell whether he can cook?   
  
Anji: Make him start a cooking fire!.   
  
Aoshi: Ah, but can you not also make a fire when you're a pyromaniac?   
  
Anji: Oh, yeah. [All JupponGatana pause to think of Shishio and sigh happily]  
  
Aoshi: Can cross-dressers creat edible food?   
  
Cho: No. No.   
  
Anji: No, it's awful, AWFUL!   
  
Cho: Make him write a recipe!  
  
JupponGatana: A recipe! Make him write a recipe!   
  
Aoshi: Who else cannot cook?  
  
Anji: Yumi!  
  
Cho: Soujiro!  
  
Houji: Usui!  
  
Anji: Tae!  
  
Cho: Uhh, Tomoe!   
  
Anji: Megumi!   
  
Houji: Aristocrats!  
  
Cho: Ninja! NINJAS!   
  
Anji: Shinsengumi!  
  
Kenshin: Kaoru-dono!  
  
JupponGatana: Ooooh.  
  
Aoshi: Exactly. So, logically...   
  
Anji: If... his... food... is as inedible as Kaoru-san's,... then he can't cook.   
  
Aoshi: And therefore?   
  
Cho: A cross-dresser!!   
  
Anji: A cross-dresser!   
  
JupponGatana: A cross-dresser! A cross-dresser!...   
  
Yumi: Here is Kaoru-san.   
  
Kaoru: -_-;;  
  
Aoshi: Very good. We shall use my largest kitchen.   
  
JupponGatana: Ohh! Ohh! Burn the cross-dresser! Burn the cross-dresser! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! Ahh! Ahh...   
  
Aoshi: Right. Here are the ingredients  
  
[foom!] [alarms] [smoke fills air] [Kamatari's rice balls are black cinders]  
  
JupponGatana: A cross-dresser! A cross-dresser! A cross-dresser!   
  
Kamatari: I think I got screwed over...   
  
Houji: Burn him!   
  
JupponGatana: Burn him! Burn him! Burn him! Burn! Burn!...   
  
Aoshi: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of weirdos and are so short?   
  
Kenshin: [sweatdrop] I am Kenshin, King of the Laundry.   
  
Aoshi: [flings script across stage] Sorry, Himura, I don't like you enough to bow before you.  
  
Kenshin: Oro? Fine, you're worthy to join me an my idiot-samurai.  
  
Aoshi: I guess I've got nothing else to do, seeing that my timer broke.  
  
Kenshin: What is your name, de gozaru ka?   
  
Aoshi: "Aoshi", baka.   
  
Kenshin: [restrains Battousai half from slicing off Aoshi's head while knighting him] Then I dub you "Sir Aoshi, Samurai of the Laundry".  
  
----------  
  
A/N: That was..rather long. Its 3 AM so sorry if my humour slipped, gotta give a girl credit for trying tho, ne? I'll do parts 6 & 7 together, however since 6 is like a paragraph long. I just have no clue how I'm gonna make a song/musical of Samurai of the Laundry. -_-;   
  
Kamatari: I HAD TO PRETEND TO BE STRAIGHT SO THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS REVIEW!!!!!  
  
Me: o.o You are one weird ...person.  
  
Kamatari: At least I don't fall for guys who creepily smile all the time.  
  
Me: SOUJIRO-SAMA'S SMILE IS NOT CREEPY, YOU, YOU...WITCH!  
  
[Actual crowd of witch-burning-goers come in] THERE'S A WITCH! BURN HER!!  
  
Kamatari: THIS ISN'T OVER PHOENIX!! [runs away]  
  
Me: Please review. I love reviews, they make me jump for joy and wiggle my toes. [hey, how many people do you know who can move their little toe all by itself?]  
  
  
^______^ 


	6. Scene 6: The Samurai of the Laundry!

A/N: *dodges a hoarde of burnt rice balls* oi! sorry! sorry! I know its an uber-late post! SORRY!! Guess I shouldn't mention I basically had this one done for me *dodges a trojan rabbit* hehe ^^;; But do cut me a bit of slack. I've got about a dozen fics I'm working on X_x, some of which are still in planning stages. Oi...lol. Hope you enjoy!  
  
Another Mirror Disclaimer: !nihsneK inuoruR ro nohtyP ytnoM nwo t'nod I  
  
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Rurouni Kenshin and the Holy Sakabato  
  
Scene 6  
  
----------  
  
PHOE-CHAN THE DEMENTED NARRATOR: The wise Sir Aoshi was the first to join King Kenshin's samurai, but other illustrious names were soon to follow: Sir Saitoh the Scary, Sir Soujiro the Innocent-looking, and Sir Sano the-not-quite-so-smart-as-Sir-Aoshi, who had nearly fought the Dragon of Hokkaido, who had nearly stood up to the vicious Tanuki of Tokyou, and who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Mnt. Hiei, and the aptly named Sir Kenji-who-is-not-quite-available-*cough*-yet.   
  
Together they formed a band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries: the Knights of the Laundry.   
  
  
Scene 6  
  
[clop clop clop]   
SIR AOSHI: And that, Himura, is how we know the earth to be banana-shaped.   
  
KENSHIN: Your philosophies scare me, Sir Aoshi. Explain again how the gozaru you come up with this stuff.   
  
AOSHi: Oh, certainly *evil chibi-aoshi smirk*.   
  
SIR SAITOH: Look, Ahous!!   
  
[trumpets]   
  
KENSHIN: Kamiya!   
  
SIR SOUJIRO: Kamiya!   
  
SAITOH: Tanuki's place.   
  
YAHIKO: It's only Busu's house.   
  
KENSHIN: Shh! Samurai, I bid you welcome to your new home.   
  
Let us ride... to... Kamiya! *Yahiko pulls trip wire and all samurai fall over*   
  
YAHIKO: ^_^ V!  
  
[in dojo hall]   
  
SAMURAI: [singing]   
  
We're Samurai of the Laundry  
We find ourselves in a quandary  
To use our name to sing our fame,  
'Cause not much rhymes with laundry.  
  
[dancing]  
  
We rarely dine in Kamiya:  
Her cooking'll really whammy ya  
We're Samurai of the Laundry.  
This writer knows no boundary.  
  
[in kitchen]   
Ayame and Suzume: [clap clap clap clap]  
  
[in dojo hall]   
Samurai: [tap-dancing]   
We find great ways to spend our days,  
And go with rhymes like "Pawnee."  
We're fanfic mad in Kamiya,  
But don't let the story shammy ya.  
  
We're happy, blithe, and carefree,  
And also dirt- and crease-free.  
Behind the scenes we dress like queens  
And part-time at the foundry --  
It's a busy life in Kamiya.  
This song is really hammy, ja?  
  
[outdoors]   
KENSHIN: Well, on second thought, let's not go to Kamiya. It is a silly place.   
SAMURAI: Right. Right.   
YAHIKO: I already knew that, what page are you guys on?  
  
End Scene 6  
  
----------  
  
A/N: Whooweee! Now we've established the Samurai of the Laundry. I'd like to personally thank Kuroiyousei for the song, I take no credit in writing this little songie that fits rather well I do think. All credit goes to Kuroiyousei! THANKS!  
  
Ano..I usually do a thanks to the reviewers, so here goes a short one, since my net's pretty wacky I can't go and individual answer to each of your reviews but here's a thanks to you all!  
  
Thank you to: Kiriko; Leila Winters; amiboshinomiko; DiaBlo; Akurei; V-Babe; Prudence-chan; Gochan; The Narrator; Karasu Morrigan; Renegade; moonblossom; Bishojo-Battousai; Faelynn; Nuitari The Evil Maniac; jessiehimechan; Suki; Vesca; Kuroiyousei; Rune-Rune; Willow.  
  
If I left you out, I'm sorry, my internet is SO awful ;.;! And another thanks to those who read!  
  
Now you know what to do, leave an original review! ^__^  
  
**ignore the grammar, I do.**  
  
Phoe-chan 


	7. Scene 7: Hiko is GOD

A/N: I got my inspiration back! Well, sorta. Let's just say my new year's resolution is to update my fictions on a regular basis. Well, most of them. I'm sorta stuck on the KenNeko story, i know WHAT i'm gonna do but i gotta make sure i have the fort secure so when i post no one'll get thru to assassinate me for what torture i put poor Aoshi-cat thru.   
  
ANYHOW, I know over the holidays we've lost a lot of reviewers to vacationing and naturally, i dont have a life so i stay home most of the time (its what i do all the time) so when i update i'm lacking my normal reviewers. So all I gotta say is, "I MISS YOU! COME BACKKKKK!"  
  
On with the stupidity.   
  
Disclaimer: I don't own either, but I think I'm almost as insane as watasuki-sama and Monty Python are....ALMOST.  
  
*NOTE* I know that this scene occasionally offends those who are Christians. I tried to take out the religious aspects and put in something funny but most likely you wont take offense to, thus the title of this scene: "Hiko is GOD."  
  
----------  
  
Rurouni Kenshin and the Holy Sakabato  
  
Scene 7  
  
----------  
  
[clop clop clop] [thunder] [angels sing]   
  
HIKO: Kenshin! BAKA DENSHI!, King of the Laundry! ...Oh, don't grovel! Wait...Do. [singing stops] It's the drooling on my shoes that comes with the groveling that I can't stand.  
  
KENSHIN: Sorry. [boom]   
  
HIKO: And don't apologize. I KNOW you're sorry, I AM God.  
  
YAHIKO: [muttering] Only cuz we ran short of actors and the director promised to pay you in sake. [boom]   
  
HIKO: ...Right. [pause] What are you doing now?!   
  
KENSHIN: I'm averting my eyes, Shisho.   
  
HIKO: Well, don't. I mean, yes I'm holy and all..  
  
KENSHIN: Actually, you're standing right in front of the Sun and it's creating a glare...  
  
HIKO: Oh. Right! Baka Denshi, King of the Laundry, your Samurai of the Laundry shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times. [takes one glance at his Samurai and scoffs] We really DID run short on actors, what kind of budget are we working with here?  
  
YAHIKO: Zip. Phoe-chan's broke.  
  
PHOE-CHAN: [whacks them both] Shut up before I get Saito to gatotsu both of you to Hades, and yes "God" I'll see to it you GET there.  
  
KENSHIN: [picking up where the scene leaves off] Good idea, Shisho!   
  
HIKO: 'Course it's a good idea, stupid pupil! Behold! [Whips out his arm and points, while his cape flutters and catches fire from the Sun] [angels sing] Kenshin, this is the Holy Sakabato. Look well, Baka Denshi, for it is your sacred task to seek this pathetic excuse of a sword. That is your purpose, Kenshin: the quest for the Holy Sakabato. [Thunder] [singing stops] [Angels shriek as Hiko turns into a ball of flames and hurls into a backdrop, taking down several sets and propts with him]  
  
PHOE-CHAN: Hmm, that exit couldn've gone better.  
  
RANDOM ANGEL: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HIKO SEIJUURO HAS LEFT THE HEAVENS!  
  
SAITO: A curse! This quest is a curse!   
  
SOUJIRO: SHISHIO-SAN BE PRAISED!  
  
[Samurai give him a look]  
  
SOUJIRO: Er, uhm Hiko-san be praised!  
  
End Scene 7  
  
----------  
  
A/N: Sorry, I couldn't resist letting Hiko play the part as "God". And again I'd leave individual reviews if I could access them right now without having to wait 15 minutes per page to open with about 4 re-connects in between. So again I say THANKS for the reviews and a big hug to you all! Hope you all had a great holiday and new years!   
  
Note: In case you wonder, I take the original script and paste it so I have something to look at while i'm concocting the parody. So if you've seen where I've forgot to change something, like it says KNIGHT: instead of SAMURAI: just ignore it please. it saves me the trouble of going between pages so i just paste the scene then type over it. Yes, I'm a lazy bum.  
  
Now please feel free to read a review, and even more so if you wanna check out my other works ^^; (Yes, I have no tact)  
  
**Ignore the grammar, I do**  
  
Phoe-chan 


	8. Scene 8 Dubbed Enishi Taunts the Samurai

A/N: This has gotta be the easier of my fics to write. The others take too much thinking. *sighs* Anywho, here's scene 8. Now we get into the extreme of wackies.  
  
Disclaimer: I dont' own RK or Monty Python. Hell, I don't even own the French.   
  
----------  
  
Rurouni Kenshin and the Holy Sakabato  
  
Scene 8  
  
----------  
  
[King Kenshin music and the sound of burnt riceballs clacking against each other]   
  
KENSHIN: Halt!   
  
YAHIKO: [blows a horn, making many unpleasant sounds before producing anything that sounds near to what it should]  
  
SAMURAI: [sweatdrop]   
  
KENSHIN: Hallo! [pause] Hallo!  
  
ENISHI: Allo! Who is eet? [Glares at Phoe-chan for making him have a ridiculous but hilarious accent.]  
  
KENSHIN: It is King Kenshin, and these are my Samurai of the Laundry. Whose dojo is this?   
  
ENISHI: Whose dojo do you think eet is? Yukishiro Enishi's of course!  
  
KENSHIN: Ehhrm..Right. Go and ask your sister if we can stay for the night, and then she can marry me then die so I can find a holy sakabato.  
  
ENISHI: Well, I'll ask her, but I don't think she'll be very keen. Uh, she's already got one, you see.   
  
KENSHIN: What?   
  
SOUJIRO: He says they've already got one!   
  
KENSHIN: Are you sure she's got one?   
  
ENISHI: Oh, yes. He's very nice-a. They plan to get married next week-a. (This dope thinks he's got a chance with my sister!)  
  
ENISHI'S MEN: [chuckling]   
  
KENSHIN: Did you just say 'He'? As in her sakabato has gender?  
  
ENISHI: Of course not! He is her fiancé, not her sword!  
  
KENSHIN: Well, why didn't you say that before, you stupid...what are you?  
  
ENISHI: I'm American-dubbed! Why do think I have this outrageous accent and can't pronounce words right, you silly king-a?!   
  
SOUJIRO: What are you doing in England? ...Wait..What are WE doing in England?  
  
ENISHI: Mind your own business!   
  
KENSHIN: If you will not show us the sakabato, we shall take your dojo by force!   
  
ENISIH: You don't frighten us, Subtitled pig-dogs! Go and boil your tofu, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Kenshin King, you and all your silly samurai k-nnnnniggets. Thpppppt! Thppt! Thppt!   
  
SOUJIRO: [smiling, as usual] What a strange person.   
  
KENSHIN: Now look here, my good man--   
  
ENISHI: I don't wanna talk to you no more, you empty headed toilet-bowl cleaner! I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a rooster and your father smelt of rotten plums!   
  
SOUJIRO: What's a toilet bowl?  
  
ENISHI: You don't wanna know. Now, go away, or I shall taunt you a second time-a! [sniff]   
  
KENSHIN: Now, this is your last chance. I've been more than reasonable.   
  
ENISHI: (Fetchez la vache.)   
  
ASSISTANT: Quoi?   
  
ENISHI: (Fetchez la vache!) [mooo]   
  
KENSHIN: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall-- [twong--cow is suddenly catapulted over the dojo wall] [mooooooo] Holy Tofu!   
  
SAMURAI: Christ! [thud] Ah! Ohh!   
  
KENSHIN: Right! Charge!   
  
SAMURAI: Charge! [mayhem, several animals, foods and such are tossed over the wall, with the occasional geisha that Sano attempts to snag.]   
  
ENISHI: Hey, this one is for your mother! There you go. [more mayhem] And this one's for your dad!   
  
KENSHIN: Run away!   
  
SAMURAI: [stare at Kenshin] WHAT?  
  
ENISHI: Thppppt! [taunting]   
  
SAITOH: Ahous! I'll tear them apart!   
  
KENSHIN: No, no. No, no.   
  
AOSHI: Battousai! I have a plan, ....sir.  
  
[later]  
  
[wind] [saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw saw]  
  
[Enishi stares out into woods] [clunk] [bang] [rewr!]  
  
[Gigantic Tanuki on wheels is pushed up to the gate] [squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak] [rrrr rrrr rrrr] [drilllll] [sawwwww] [clunk] [crash] [clang] [squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak...]   
  
[creak]   
ENISHI and MEN: [whispering] C'est un lapin, lapin de bois. Quoi? Un cadeau. What? A present. Oh, un cadeau. Oui, oui. Hurry. What? Let's go. Oh. On y va. Bon magne. Over here... [squeak squeak squeak squeak squeak...] [moves creation inside and shuts gates] [clllank]   
  
KENSHIN: What happens now?   
  
AOSHI: Saitoh, Seta, and I, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the racoon, taking Yukishiro by surprise. Not only by surprise, but totally unarmed.   
  
KENSHIN: [blinks] Who leaps out?   
  
AOSHI: [realization begins to dawn]U-- u-- uh, Saitoh, the smiling boy, and I, uh, leap out of the racoon, uh, and uh... shit.  
  
KENSHIN: [falls over]   
  
AOSHI: Oh. Um, l-- look, i-- i-- if we built this large wooden weasel--   
  
Saitoh: [clank] Stupid Ninja.  
  
[twong]   
KENSHIN: ORO?! Run away!   
  
SAMURAI: AGAIN? [See giant racoon being hurdled at them] Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away! [CRASH]   
  
ENISHI: Oh, haw haw haw haw! Haw! Haw haw heh... Still not as good as Viagra, though...  
  
End Scene 8  
  
----------  
  
A/N: Eehh, it's late, quater to 2AM to be exact. And this isn't too original in my opinion but to clear a few things up:  
  
-The dubbed voices of RK suck majorly. The pronounciations of many words are off, thus our frenchman Enishi is "dubbed" to make up for his outrageous accent.  
-The viagra..lol, there's a dj pic I've on my computer of the Kamiya dojo at Christmas time. Enishi is dressed as santa and is delivering presents. To Kaoru, he gives a beauty set, to Yahiko--a new bokken. To Kenshin, he holds up a box of Viagra and tries not to laugh. And thus, I had to add that in at the last part.  
  
Gomen ne, connection's still not fixed, I've been kicked off about 2 dozen times in the past two and a half hours. But I thank you all for your reviews. Of course, most of my thanks goes to Kuroiyousei. I still would be stuck on the parody of the song (Knights of the Round Table) if it weren't for Kuroiyousei. A thousand thanks! *bows graciously*  
  
I appreciate your reviews, each and every one! Now leave me some more, pleaseeee!  
  
**ignore the grammar, I do**  
  
Phoe-chan 


	9. Scene 9: A History Teacher

A/N: This is another one of those short scenes so I will make a double update for you guys :D  
  
Disclaimer: I dont' own RK or Monty Python. And I'm not a Historian.   
  
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Rurouni Kenshin and the Holy Sakabato  
  
Scene 9  
  
----------  
  
[clack]   
PHOE-CHAN: Picture for Schools, take eight. Action!   
  
HISTORY TEACHER: Defeat at the dojo seems to have utterly disheartened King Kenshin. [Kenshin: offset, crying] The ferocity of the Enishi taunting took him completely by surprise, and Kenshin became convinced that a new strategy was required if the quest for the Holy Sakabato were to be brought to a successful conclusion. Kenshin, having consulted his closest..err..available samurai, decided that they should separate and search for the Grail individually. (Hell, they couldn't get along any other way.) [clop clop clop] Now, this is what they did: Saitoh--   
  
SAMURAI: Aaaah! [slash] [SAMURAI kills HISTORY TEACHER]   
  
HISTORIAN'S STUDENTS: ...Does this mean we get no homework?  
  
----------  
  
Now I can finally reply to my reviewers. *hugs her 'Precious' computer*  
  
April-san: Yes preciousss! We enjoys your review!! XD *laughs at the wiggly fishies*   
  
Nodachi Sasuke: I try my best! Glad you enjoyed my fic!!  
  
Gochan: Glad you loved Aoshi making a blunder ;DD And I also loved Soujiro's line, even though I thought people wouldn't think it funny ^^;. And of course Hiko HAD to be God, who else could fill that role? XD  
  
Kuroiyousei: I almost say you're my biggest fan for this fic. :P I'm glad you love the jokes, I agree, now I'm tempted to go around saying "Hiko is GOD" for now on...and who couldn't make fun of the dubbed? I mean, they could have at least kept the "oro"! Next scene you get to see my crack attempt at making the parody for "Bravely Bold Sir Robin" :P Phoe-sama? O_o;; Kuroiyousei-san I really think I'm making you laugh too hard. :P I love your song parodies so I think we're both even on the inspiration part :P  
  
Angelmoxie: You've not seen? I INSIST you got rent it! It's great! Might wanna turn your volume up for some parts though -_-; As for Viagra...its for old men who can't get turned on. -_-;  
  
The Narrator: LOL!! *imagines you laughing in class while everyone's staring at you* Yeah, Yahiko being squished would've been great, sadly, I forgot to add in that part. -_-;; And, I agree, I can't wait for the maiden scene too...and I'm writing it! :o  
  
Prudence-chan: Aww, I'm sorry your jaw hurts, I'll try to cut down on the jokes ^_~ So you've seen that pic? LOL I love it..., its pics like that that makes me love Enishi.  
  
Lady Belegwen Lightningblade: I must agree, Kamatari's role in this was one of my favourite to write. I am glad you like!  
  
And to the rest of you, from earlier chapters or who have just read, THANK YOU SO MUCH!! ^___^ burnt rice balls and Sir Aoshi plushies to all of you!  
  
*ignore the grammar, I do*  
  
Phoe-chan  
  
On to scene 10! 


	10. Scene 10: Brave Sir Sano

A/N: And here is scene 10, just like I promised! :D Alas, it's not too original, mostly the song which isn't much. I shouldda got Kuroiyousei to do it -_-;;  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own it! Just altered it to suit my demented likings.  
  
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Rurouni Kenshin and the Holy Sakabato  
  
Scene 10  
  
----------  
  
[trumpets]   
PHOE-CHAN: The Tale of Sir Sano. So, each of the samurai, after much bickering and argumentation, went their separate ways. Sir Sano rode north, through the dark forest of Miso, accompanied by his favourite singing doctors.   
  
MEGUMI: [singing]   
  
Bravely bold Sir Sano rode forth from Kamiya.   
He was not afraid to die, O brave Sir Sano.   
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways,   
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Sano!  
  
He was not in the least bit scared to be smashed into a wall,   
Or to have his eyes gouged out and be hit by Kaoru's bokken,   
To have his knuckles split and his hair burned away   
And his gut all filled with sake, brave Sir Sano!  
  
With bumps on his head and his teeth bashed out   
And his brain removed and his bowels unplugged   
And his nostrils raped by Tanuki's burnt food   
And his penis--   
  
SIR SANO: Good Kami, Megumi...Where the hell did you make that shit up? Ohhhh, Heh. Looks like there's dirty work afoot.   
  
MEGUMI: [rolls eyes]  
  
SHIGURE: Anarcho-syndicalism is a way of preserving tofu.   
  
TOKI: Oh, Shigure, forget about tofu. We haven't got enough mud.   
  
ALL HEADS: Halt! Who art thou?   
  
MEGUMI: [singing] He is brave Sir Sano, brave Sir Sano, who--   
  
SANO: Shut up, Fox! Um, n-- n-- n-- nobody, really. I'm j-- j-- j-- ju-- just, um-- just passing through.   
  
ALL HEADS: What do you want?   
  
MEGUMI: [singing] To fight and--   
  
SANO: Shut up! Um, oo, a-- nothing. Nothing, really. I, uh-- j-- j-- just-- just to, um-- just to p-- pass through, good Samurai.   
  
MEGUMI: [rolls eyes]  
  
ALL HEADS: I'm afraid not!   
  
SANO: Ah. W-- well, actually I-- I am a Samurai of the Laundry.   
  
ALL HEADS: You're a Samurai of the Laundry? [all burst out laughing]  
  
SANO: [scowls] I am.   
  
LEFT HEAD: [snicker] In that case, I shall have to kill you.   
  
MIDDLE HEAD: Shall I?   
  
RIGHT HEAD: Oh, I don't think so.   
  
MIDDLE HEAD: Well, what do I think?   
  
LEFT HEAD: I think kill him.   
  
RIGHT HEAD: Oh, let's be nice to him.   
  
LEFT HEAD: Oh, shut up.   
  
SANO: Perhaps I could--   
  
LEFT HEAD: And you. Oh, quick! Get the sword out. I want to cut his head off!   
  
RIGHT HEAD: Oh, cut your own head off!   
  
MIDDLE HEAD: Yes, do us all a favour!   
  
LEFT HEAD: What?   
  
RIGHT HEAD: Yapping on all the time.   
  
MIDDLE HEAD: You're lucky. You're not next to him.   
  
LEFT HEAD: What do you mean?   
  
MIDDLE HEAD: You snore!   
  
LEFT HEAD: Oh, I don't. Anyway, you've got bad breath.   
  
MIDDLE HEAD: Well, it's only because you don't brush my teeth.   
  
RIGHT HEAD: Oh, stop bitching and let's go have tea.   
  
LEFT HEAD: Oh, all right. All right. All right. We'll kill him first and then have tea and soba.   
  
MIDDLE HEAD: Yes.   
  
RIGHT HEAD: Oh, not soba.   
  
LEFT HEAD: All right. All right, not soba, but let's kill him anyway.   
  
ALL HEADS: Right!   
  
MIDDLE HEAD: He buggered off.   
  
RIGHT HEAD: So he has. He's scarpered.  
  
MEGUMI: [singing] Brave Sir Sano ran away,   
  
SANO: No!   
  
MEGUMI: [singing] Bravely ran away, away.   
  
SANO: I didn't!   
  
MEGUMI: [singing] When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled.   
  
SANO: No! Damnit, I didn't!  
  
MEGUMI: [singing] Yes, brave Sir Sano turned about   
  
SANO: SHUT UP!  
  
MEGUMI: [singing] And hilariously, he chickened out. Bravely taking to his feet,   
  
SANO: I never did!   
  
MEGUMI: [singing] He beat a very brave retreat,   
  
SANO: You're sleeping by yourself tonight, Fox!!  
  
MEGUMI: [singing] Bravest of the brave, Sir Sano.   
  
SANO: FINE! _  
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A/N: Like I said, not much originality but I didn't really know how to change this scene to fit the RK style. *bows head* gomen ne! I promise to do much better next time. *nods vigorously* Because next will be the Monk cartoon and Soujiro at Shrine Anthrax *wide grin* my poor, poor Sou. *hugs him*  
  
Be ever so kind and leave a review!  
  
**ignore the grammar, I do**  
  
Phoe-chan 


	11. Scene 11: Screw Chastity!

A/N: The long awaited Sir Soujiro and Dojo Anthrax! Yes, I know what you're thinking, earlier, I said "Shrine Anthrax" Demo...a bunch of horny virgins in a shrine just isn't right. So its...Dojo Anthrax! YEAH! Hehe..let the torture begin. ^_______^  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Monty Python and I don't own Rurouni Kenshin. I don't own Anthrax and I don't own Dojos, shrines or Soujiro. *sniffles* I WANT SOU!!!!! :P  
  
**WARNING** This chapter is probably an R-rating. A lot of sexual hints and uhh yeah. Sou-fans be warned.  
  
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Rurouni Kenshin and the Holy Sakabato  
  
A Cartoon and Scene 11  
  
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CARTOON SHINSENGUMI: [chanting] Aku zoku san...Evil swiftly slain..  
  
RANDOM SHINSENGUMI MEMBER: Heh heh heeh ooh... [twang] [flips off a 'diving board' and lands in..something]  
  
CARTOON SHINSENGUMI: [chanting] Aku zoku san,...   
  
RANDOM: Wayy! [splash] Ho ho. Woa, wayy! [twang] [splash] Heh heh heh heh ho! Heh heh heh!   
  
CARTOON SHINSENGUMI: [chanting] Evil swiftly slain...   
  
ANOTHER RANDOM: Wayy! [twang] Wayy! [twang]   
  
VOICE: [whispering] Forgive me, for I have sinned.   
  
CARTOON: Oh! Oooo.   
  
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[trumpets]   
PHOE-CHAN: The Tale of Sir Soujiro. [Snicker]  
  
[boom] [wind] [howl] [howl] [boom] [angels singing] [imagine of grail atop a dojo] [howl] [boom] [howl] [boom] [pound pound pound]   
  
SOUJIRO: Open the door! Open the door! [pound pound pound] In the name of all that is strong, open the door!   
  
AOSHI: [offset] It's made of ricepaper! [slaps forehead]  
  
[creak] [thump] [creak] [boom]   
  
GIRLS: IRRASHAI!   
  
TAE: Welcome, gentle, kawaii Sir Samurai. Welcome to the Dojo Anthrax.   
  
SOUJIRO: The Dojo Anthrax? [gives a confused smile, girls faint]  
  
TAE: Yes. Oh, it's not a very good name, is it? We thought about having a shrine, but no... Oh, but we are nice and we will attend to your every, every need! [wink]  
  
SOUJIRO: [totally clueless] You are the keepers of the Holy Sakabato?  
  
TAE: The what?   
  
SOUJIRO: The sakabato. It is here!  
  
TAE: Oh, but you are tired and you must rest awhile. Okon! Omasu!  
  
OKON AND OMASU: Yes, O Tae?  
  
TAE: Prepare a bed for our guest. [Eyes Soujiro evilly]  
  
OKON AND OMASU: Sure! Okay! Yeah! Woo! Oro?! Wait...   
  
TAE: [sweatdrop] Get lost you two. The beds here are warm and soft and very, very big. [nods slowly]  
  
SOUJIRO: Well, haha, I-- I, uh-- [blank smile]  
  
TAE: What is your name, handsome boy? And do tell me you're uhm..not a pre-teen.  
  
SOUJIRO: 'Sir Soujiro... the Cute'. I'm uhm...[counts on fingers] 18.  
  
TAE: Yes! [grins] Mine is 'Tae'. Just 'Tae'. Oh, but come.   
  
SOUJIRO: Look, please! In Shi-err-Hiko's name, show me the Sabakato!   
  
TAE: Oh, you talk such nonsense. You know the ban against swords. You are delirious.   
  
SOUJIRO: No, look. I have seen it! It is here in this--place! [starts looking under rugs and tables]  
  
TAE: Sir Soujiro! You would not be so uncute as to refuse our hospitality. And uhm...services?  
  
SOUJIRO: [confused again] Well, I-- I, uh--   
  
TAE: Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all under 20 years of age with breast sizes from 34C to 38D. All we do is bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear. We are just not used to handsome samurai and so cute like you. Nay. Nay. Come. Come. You may lie here. Oh, but you are wounded!   
  
SOUJIRO: [wide eyed] No, no. It's-- it's nothing. Hahaha, nothing at all.........Kami, help me....  
  
TAE: Oh, you must see the doctors immediately! No, no, please! Lie down. [clap clap]   
  
MISAO: Well, what seems to be the trouble? [sharpens a set of kunai]  
  
SOUJIRO: They're doctors?! What happened to Takani-san?!  
  
TAE: Uh, they... have a basic medical training, yes. And Megumi...is uhm...preoccupied?  
  
SOUJIRO: B-- but-- it's just a scratch!  
  
TAE: Oh yes, that's what Shishio said and look at him!  
  
SOUJIRO: ;_;  
  
TAE: Oh, come. Come. You must try to rest. Doctor Misao! Doctor Magdaria! Practise your art.   
  
MAGDARIA: Try to relax. [takes away his sword]  
  
SOUJIRO: [whimpers] Are you sure that's absolutely necessary?   
  
MISAO: [flicks wrist full of kunai] We must examine you. [Reaches for the tie of his hakama]  
  
SOUJIRO: ACK! There's nothing wrong with that! [pulls legs up to his chest] Shishio-san help meee.....  
  
MISAO: Please. We are doctors.   
  
SOUJIRO: Uhm, I thought you were a ninja and she was some holy-freak...  
  
MISAO: [stradles Soujiro] Hold still!  
  
SOUJIRO: [shrieks] Ahh! Get off me! I wanna stay a virgin!!  
  
MISAO: Not if I have anything to say about it!  
  
SOUJIRO: YOU SAID IT WOULD BE OFFSET!! [pushes Misao off and runs] I'm looking for a sakabato!!!  
  
MAGDARIA: There's no sakabato here. [lower voice] unless you're referring to what's in your hakama...  
  
SOUJIRO: [running around madly] I have seen it! I have...[Magdaria's words click] WHAT?! [smacks into a wall] T_T; [pushes through door] I have s-see--  
  
GIRLS: Hello.   
  
SOUJIRO: Oh....  
  
GIRLS: [many many geisha, bathing, dressing, etc stare at him, hearts in their eyes.] Hello. Hello. Hello.   
  
SOUJIRO: TAE!   
  
SAE: No, I am Tae's identical twin sister, Sae, but I'm much prettier.   
  
SOUJIRO: ...[blink] Oh, well, excuse me, I--   
  
SAE: Where are you going?   
  
SOUJIRO: [smiles] I seek the sakabato! I have seen it, here in this dojo!   
  
SAE: Oh, no. Oh, no! Bad, bad Tae!   
  
SOUJIRO: Well, what is it?   
  
SAE: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Tae! She has been setting alight to our timer, which, I have just remembered, is sword-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem.   
  
SOUJIRO: [exasperated] It's not the real Sakabato?   
  
SAE: Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Tae! She is a bad person and must pay the penalty! Do you think this scene should have been cut? We were so worried when Phoe-chan was writing it, because you know how awful her fics are, but now, we're glad. It's better than some of the previous scenes, I think.   
  
LEFT HEAD: At least ours was better visually.   
  
SHIGURE: Well, at least ours was committed. It wasn't just a string of pussy jokes.   
  
OLD MAN: Get on with it.   
  
KATSU THE ENCHANTER: Yes, get on with it!   
  
ARMY OF SAMURAI: Yes, get on with it!   
  
SAE: Oh, I am enjoying this scene.   
  
HIKO: Get on with it!   
  
SAE: [sigh] [clunk] Oh, wicked, wicked Tae. Oh, she is a naughty person and she must pay the penalty, and here in Dojo Anthrax, we have but one punishment for setting alight the sakaba-shaped timer: you must tie her down on a futon and spank her.   
  
SOUJIRO: DO WHAT?!  
  
GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking!   
  
SAE: You must spank her well, and after you have spanked her, you may deal with her as you like, and then, spank me.   
  
TSUBAME: And spank me.   
  
SHURA: And me.   
  
TOMOE: And me.   
  
SOUJIRO: Yes. Yes, you must give us all a good spanking!   
  
GIRLS: A spanking! A spanking! There is going to be a spanking tonight!   
  
SOUJIRO: [pales visibly]  
  
SAE: And after the spanking, the oral sex.   
  
SOUJIRO: THE WHAT?!!  
  
GIRLS: The oral sex! The oral sex!   
  
SOUJIRO: [smiles widely] Well, I could stay a bit longer.   
  
SAITOH: Sir Tenken! [bursts in]  
  
SOUJIRO: Oh, hello. [smiles]  
  
SAITOH: Quick!   
  
SOUJIRO: What?   
  
SAITOH: Quick!   
  
SOUJIRO: Why?   
  
SAITOH: You are in great peril!   
  
SAE: No, he isn't.   
  
SAITOH: Shut up, On'na.   
  
SOUJIRO: You know, she's got a point. ^-^  
  
SAITOH: Come on! We will cover your escape!   
  
SOUJIRO: Look, I'm fine!   
  
SAITOH: No you aren't! Looking at these girls is making you as hard as a rock, ahou!   
  
GIRLS: Sir Soujiro! [moon him]  
  
SOUJIRO: I AM NOT! [looks down] hoo boy... [looks up] O_O HOO BOY....   
  
SAE: We have bondage leather in the closet!   
  
GIRLS: Yes! And a whip!   
  
SAITOH: No, Tenken. Come on! Before Phoe gets any more sick ideas  
  
PHOE: You gave me the suggestions, Haji-chan.  
  
SOUJIRO: No! Really! Honestly, I can cope. I can handle this lot easily. I'm Tenken! The prodigy! I'll shukuchi them all to bliss!  
  
SAE: [swoons] Oh, yes! Let us see his speed!  
  
GIRLS: And his heavenly sword!   
  
SAITOH: GOOD KAMI THAT'S WRONG  
  
SOUJIRO: They want to see! It won't take long! There's only a hundred-and-fifty of them!   
  
SAE: Yes! Yes, he will be hasty! Or we could just have an orgy!  
  
GIRLS: Ohhh! An orgy! You can join us! [boom] [Saitoh pulls Sou out and leaves]  
  
SAE: Oh, shit.  
  
SAITOH: We were in the nick of time. This stupid thing's only rated PG-13...  
  
SOUJIRO: It could have been sensored...   
  
SAITOH: You're a sad, deprived child.   
  
SOUJIRO: But, this could be the answers I seek! Let me go back and see! I'll come back in ten years!   
  
SAITOH: No.  
  
SOUJIRO: DAMNIT! I spent ten years with Shishio-san. There was only Yumi-san who belonged to him and Kamatari and that's not exactly RIGHT. I HAVE A RIGHT TO EXPERIENCE THE PLEASURES OF LIFE! [wails]   
  
SAITOH: You're not missing much. Now we must find the Holy Sakabato. Come on, I need a smoke!  
  
SOUJIRO: Oh, let me have just a little bit of fun?  
  
SAITOH: No. It's unhealthy. And quit smiling. You're freaking the audience out.  
  
SOUJIRO: Bet you're gay.   
  
SAITOH: I have a wife.   
  
SOUJIRO: Well, isn't she living a lie, then.  
  
End Scene 11  
  
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A/N: You have now been introduced to super-hyper hentai Phoe's writing techniques. You may now pick your jaws up off the floor and proceed to leave a review. XD Don't kill me. :P  
  
To the Reviewers: (There were a lot this time! Yay! ^______^!)  
  
MON: I'm glad you find it funny! I try to make it as hilarious as possible...thanks for reviewing!  
  
Kebinu: Yeah, Sano's not a sissy but I really couldn't think of anyone better to play the part, he don't mind though...I paid him in twizzlers (He calls them Speefy [derived from Spiffy] Red Chewy Things) And of course I had to have Megumi in there, not that I like her much but I couldn't disappoint her fans :D LOL Delicately...yeah, that's a delicate description of the drug ;D  
  
Gochan: You are so right, I thought about that after I posted. I was thinking Oniwaban members..like Shiro, Omasu and Okon..*shakes head* Thanks for your great compliments, Gochan!!  
  
Akai Kitsune: ROFL! It's still funny, good pun ;D I agree, I can't wait to see the Knights of...yeah I can't wait to parodize that part. Wah! You have the soundtrack? LOL I just download some of the songs..I even have midis -_-; Thanks for your compliments! (Laughing included :D)  
  
April-san: LOL It's okay to have a Gollum in your throat, Meow-chan (Renegade on ff.net) And I plan on going around dressed as rurounis one day and singing Gollum's Fish Song :D Thanks for your compliments and making me laugh with the Gollum speech ^_^  
  
Prudence-chan: I'm glad you like! I wish I had made it more original but I promise more hilarity for Sano/Meg fans somewhere in here (I'll try to squeeze in her laugh, too). And Poor Sou..*hugs him* I made it up to him though...*hitches a thumb towards Seta who has lots of candy around him.* You can't immagine what kind of sweet tooth that boy has!  
  
Kuroiyousei: *puts a pillow on your head to stop your beatings to yourself* Fae-san! You're making echoes! Maa, It's all right 'bout the song, I think mine'll do for now :D And I hope you liked this scene, poor poor Soujiro. Even though I know you'll be looking forward to Saitoh's big scene :D  
  
Lady Belegwen Lightningblade: Here is more! Yes more! As for the rabbit being a racoon..i'm not sure..i've been asked to keep it as a rabbit, yet a tanuki might be more hilarious and fitting. We'll see. Maybe do a poll.. Hmm..  
  
UnearthlyEmperor: I love MP and the Holy Grail, too! I can't believe I actually am writing an RK parody of this! But it works! I'm glad you enjoy! Continue reading :D!  
  
genki-assasin: It's okay to change names! I've changed mine once before. It used to be Megami no Hi. :D (But it's actually spelt assassin ;D) aww, alright...*gives you Sou* You got ten seconds! ) LOL Sou would never? I think he just did! HAHA! And you're already driven mad :P  
  
The Narrator: Yeah, I agree...Meg's got some issues. Sano's a chicken head! yeah! *laughs* I agree, poor Sou definitely needs...uhm...yeah. *avoids being hit by Bokken of Modesty* :D Glad you're enjoying!  
  
And a thanks to those who have read!  
  
Now leave me a review or I will sick a Majestic Moose on you! ) Or a horde of horny women....I pity both sexes on that.  
  
**ignore the grammar, I do**  
  
Phoe-chan 


	12. Scene 12 Kuroiyousei makes a cameo and A...

A/N: Back with an update! ^___^! I think I will do a double update since this is a short scene. I will have to see how long the next one is before I decide. I may just decide to wait two months because it's the scene with everyone's favourite Nicorette Sponsor: SAITOH! (And I know that the suspense is killing Kuroiyousei) *watches her flail wildly on the floor then go lifeless* See? Anyhow, as I'm starting this, I've got a headache so let's hope that eases up some. Thanks for keeping in tune!  
  
PS: Would ya'll believe me if I told you I bought a coconut last week, halved it, hollowed it and now clack it around for fun? ^___^  
  
Disclaimer: This orotaku does not own Rurouni Kenshin nor does she own Monty Python. ^_^;  
  
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Rurouni Kenshin and the Holy Sakabato  
  
Scene 12  
  
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PHOE-CHAN THE OBSESSED NARRATOR: [Having replaced "Phoe-chan the demented narrator"] Sir Saitoh had saved Sir Sourjiro (the horny) from almost certain temptation (and got insulted in the process of it), but they were still no nearer the Sakabato. (You guys suck! I'm trading you in for the Suzaku Seishi..) Meanwhile, King Kenshin and the reluctant Sir Aoshi, not more than a rice ball's smell away, had discovered something. Oh, that's a burnt riceball's smell, obviously. I mean, they were more than two decent riceballs away-- four, really, if Tae made them and if they had a timer and an oven mitt to work wi--  
  
KUROIYOUSEI: Get on with it!   
  
PHOE-CHAN THE OBSESSED NARRATOR: [ringing in ears] o_o;; ....Oh, anyway. On to scene twenty-four, which--  
  
SAITOH: This is scene twelve, ahou.  
  
PHOE-CHAN: WILL YOU PEOPLE BE QUIET AND LET ME FINISH MY SPIFFY KEEN NARRATING PART? It's the closest I can get to a cameo, now shaddup Saitoh before I pair you off with Megumi.  
  
SAITOH: ...  
  
PHOE-CHAN: [sigh of relief] Anywho, this is a smashing scene with some lovely--err--mediocre acting, in which Kenshin discovers a vital clue, and in which Aoshi ends up taking the credit for it..., although I think you can guess that it must've been an easy clue if Kenshin guessed it--   
  
KUROIYOUSEI: [CLANK!]  
  
PHOE-CHAN: OOMPH! X_X;  
  
SAITOH: [smirks] Never seen the gatotsu performed with a frying pan....  
  
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OKINA: Heh, hee ha ha hee hee! Hee hee hee ha ha ha... [inhales fly] [cough] [wheeze] [snort] heh...haa......  
  
KENSHIN: And this enchanter of whom you speak, he actually coloured the sakabato pink?!?   
  
OKINA: ...Ha ha ha ha! Heh, hee ha ha hee! Ha hee ha! Ha ha ha ha... [starts giggling like a school girl]  
  
KENSHIN: Where does he live, de gozaru ka?   
  
OKINA: Ohohohohoho!  
  
AOSHI: [takes a step back] ...  
  
KENSHIN: Okina-dono, where does he live?   
  
OKINA: ...Hee ha ha ha. He knows of a cave, a cave which no man has entered. Ngyeee hee hee.. [Kuroiyousei shoots him a look that reads 'MY LAUGH. MINE']  
  
KENSHIN: And the Sakaba. The Sakabato is there?   
  
OKITA: No, you stupid bastard. There is much danger, for beyond the cave lies the Gorge of Eternal Bokkens, which no man has ever crossed without being hit. And there's much hilarity, too, we'll from where I'll be standing.   
  
KENSHIN: But the sword! Where is the sword?! I WANT THAT STUPID SWORD!! WAHHH!! [bawls]  
  
AOSHI: [smacks a pacifer in Kenshin's mouth] Continue.  
  
OKINA: Seek you the Bridge of Rengoku.   
  
KENSHIN: [sucks on pacifer, but amazingly can talk too] The Bridge of Rengoku, which leads to the Sakabato?   
  
OKINA: BWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! [attempts to disappear in a whirl of smoke, but starts choking, coughing and collapses, knocking over the stage prop of the hut]  
  
AOSHI: ...  
  
KENSHIN: [suck] [suck]  
  
End Scene  
  
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A/N: Headache's almost gone....almost... Anyhow, I'm sure you noticed my numerous mentionings of Kuroiyousei mainly cuz if it weren't for her I'd probably not be updating this fic yet. And because she's a terrific person. Go give her a donut and read her fics. They're great :D (I'm trying to get her help me on my Sleeping With Wolves fic since she's such an expert on Saitoh-*san*. ^_^;  
  
No individual thanks this time, despite the fact I have broadband, it is not yet accessible in my room. ROFL. So I must wait until my father gets the router and then drag the gateway that's been speefed up for me into my room and then hook up the satellite to here....where then...*shifty eyes* I will forever be connected...BWUAHAHAHAHAHA!!  
  
NEXT SCENE: THE INFAMOUS KNIGHTS OF...what?  
  
XD  
  
**ignore the grammar, i do**  
  
Phoe-chan ^_^ 


	13. Scene 13: The Geisha of Mou

A/N: *dodges burnt riceballs and timers* I know I know! Late Update! *winces* Sorry!! I've had lacking inspiration and I got this idiot harassing me online so my mood hasn't been too good. *rolls eyes* All that aside, here is...SCENE 13!!  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Monty Python. I do not own Rurouni Kenshin. I do not own the word Ni. I do not own shrubberies. I do not own [SACK] oro...  
  
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Rurouni Kenshin and the Holy Sakabato  
  
Scene 13  
  
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[spooky music]   
[shadows in the forest]  
[music stops]   
HEAD GEISHA OF MOU: MOU!  
  
GEISHA OF MOU: MOU! MOU! MOU! MOU!   
  
KENSHIN: Who are you, de gozaru ka?   
  
HEAD GEISHA: We are the Geisha Who Say... 'Mou'!   
  
RANDOM: Mou!   
  
KENSHIN: No! Not the Geisha Who Say 'Mou'!   
  
HEAD GEISHA: [Flashes ID] The same!   
  
AOSHI: [arches brow] Who are they?   
  
HEAD GEISHA: We are the keepers of the sacred words: 'Mou', 'Ara', and 'WASABIIII'!   
  
RANDOM: WASABIIII!  
  
KENSHIN: Those who hear them seldom live to tell the tale and also become addicts to beer.   
  
HEAD GEISHA: The Geisha Who Say 'Mou' demand a sacrifice.   
  
KENSHIN: Geisha of Mou, we are but simple rurouni [Aoshi shoots him a look] who seek the [consults with Aoshi] err.. Buddhist Monk who lives beyond these woods.   
  
HEAD GEISHA: Mou!   
  
GEISHA OF MOU: Mou! Mou! Mou! Mou...   
  
KENSHIN: Oro! Ow! Itai! ORORORO!!   
  
HEAD GEISHA: We shall say 'mou' again to you if you do not appease us.   
  
KENSHIN: Well, what is it you want, de gozaru ka?   
  
HEAD GEISHA: We want... tickets to a Yaoi-con!! [dramatic chord]   
  
KENSHIN: WHAT?!   
  
GEISHA OF MOU: Mou! Mou! Mou!  
  
KENSHIN and PARTY: Oro! Ow! Oh!   
  
KENSHIN: Please! Please! No more! We will get you your tickets.   
  
HEAD GEISHA: You must return here with those tickets, or else, you will never pass through this wood... alive.   
  
KENSHIN: O Geisha of Mou, you are just and fair, and we will return with your tickets.   
  
HEAD GEISHA: Just FAIR?! We're not BEAUTIFUL?!  
  
KENSHIN: O-of course you are...!  
  
HEAD GEISHA: Well go get our tickets!   
  
KENSHIN: Hai!   
  
HEAD GEISHA: ...NOW!  
  
End Scene  
  
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A/N: Ehh, might be rather plain...I'm suffering a bit writers block thingie..*kills inspiration trap* And as for the Yaoi-con, I needed something that would strike dramatic for Kenshin ;)  
  
As updates are going slow..I can't promise the next scene will be out real soon but hopefully you won't be waiting months for it. ^^;   
  
To the Reviewers: *is only gonna answer to those who had questions to save self time ^^;*  
  
Lady Belegwen Lightningblade: I don't mind at all! MP parodies rule!  
  
Souji^-^: Just check out my profile. Almost all my fics that aren't stupid or parodies are Soujiro/Misao. ALMOST. I do have some fics going that are other alternate pairings or such. Might even do some cannon pairings..dunno yet.  
  
Kiriko: I have a series going called the "Kenshin-Neko Chronicles" Where our RK cast are cats. Woo. It's real stupid like this ^^; Go click on my profile and check it out!  
  
i_like_coffee: Nah, Yahiko fits perfectly as Patsy. I mean, in the series, Yahiko represents the boy who will be Kenshins successor (or close to it) So in here he's Kenshin's servant :P  
  
And thanks to: Kuroiyousei, Kebinu, Akai Kitsune (they say 'ni'!), The Narrator, April-san, genki-assassin, NightRain, Prudence-chan, Eve of Mirkwood, myvan= (ROFL at your review),Oryo, MidnightHitokiriX.  
  
And thanks to all who read!  
  
Now be in a just and fair mood and leave me a review :D  
  
**ignore the grammar, I do**  
  
Phoe-chan 


	14. Scene 14: No dying, no killing

A/N: *dodges flying geisha* I updated! Stop the assaults! Actually, Saitoh's tale is divided in about 3 scenes so...uhh..yay? Or not...Anyhow, I'm soooo close to 100 reviews! My first fic over a hundred! Unless I get another 11 on my J&D fic in the next couple've hours...  
  
Gah, anyhoo, Phoe-chan just turned 18! It's scary! I'm a legal adult! And still not brighter! O_o;; Oh, yes..if you like parodies, I am teaming up with a friend of mine to do an InuYasha parody of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. If you're interested, lurk about for when we post the prologue!  
  
Disclaimer: I have not gained copyright-ship of RK or MP. I'd have to be japanese to own RK and kinda..old to own MP. All I own is what's left of my baby blanket and a chocolate brownie. *eats* ...Okay, a now-being-digested brownie. ^______^;  
  
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Rurouni Kenshin and the Holy Sakabato  
  
Scene 14  
  
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PHOE-CHAN: The Tale of Sir Saitoh. [Coughs at cigarette smoke]  
  
KONDO: One day, lad, all this will be yours!   
  
OKITA: What, the shoji?   
  
KONDO: No. Not the shoji, boy. All that you can see, stretched out over the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be your army, lad.   
  
OKITA: But Aunt Rei--   
  
KONDO: Leader, boy. Leader.   
  
OKITA: B-- b-- but Leader, I don't want any of that.   
  
KONDO: Listen, lad. I built this army up from nothing. When I started here, all there was was farmers. Other samurai said I was daft to make an army out of farmers, but I did it all the same, just to show 'em. They died. By falling on their pitchforks. So, I made a second one. They died by choking on crops. So, I made a third one. They raced into battle, forgot their swords and were killed by a little red-haired girl with a ponytail, but the fourth army hasn't died! And that's what you're gonna get, lad: the strongest army in all of Japan.   
  
OKITA: But I don't want those men. I'd rather--   
  
KONDO: Rather what?!   
  
OKITA: I'd rather... [music] ...just... cough!   
  
KONDO: Stop that! Stop that! You're not going to have TB while I'm here. Now listen, boy. In twenty minutes, you're getting married to a girl whose father owns the biggest army in all of Hokkaido.   
  
OKITA: B-- but I don't want an army.   
  
KONDO: Listen, Kaoru,--   
  
OKITA: Okita. Souji Okita.  
  
KONDO: Soushi. We're losing to a girl with red hair. We need all the men we can get.   
  
OKITA: But-- but I don't like her.   
  
KONDO: Don't like her?! Well, Duh! She's killing all our men by squeaking "Ryu Tsui Sen!"  
  
OKITA: No, not her. The other her.  
  
KONDO: What's wrong with her?! She's beautiful. She's rich. She's got huge... armies of men!   
  
OKITA: I know, but I want the-- the girl that I marry to have... [music] ... an authentic...Japanese..look! [cough, hack, wheeze]  
  
KONDO: Cut that out! Cut that out! Look, you're marrying the Moon Princess, so you'd better get used to the idea! [smack] Guards! Make sure the boy doesn't kill anyone until I come and get him.   
  
GUARD #1: Not to kill anyone even if you come and get him.   
  
GUARD #2: Hic!   
  
KONDO: No, no. Until I come and get him.   
  
GUARD #1: Until you come and get him, we're not to kill him.   
  
KONDO: No, no. No. You can kill whoever. Just make sure he doesn't kill.   
  
GUARD #1: And you'll come and get him.   
  
GUARD #2: Hic!   
  
KONDO: Right.   
  
GUARD #1: We don't need to do anything apart from just stop him from commiting suicide.   
  
KONDO: And killing.   
  
GUARD #1: Killing. Yes. [sniff]   
  
KONDO: All right?   
  
GUARD #1: Right.   
  
GUARD #2: Hic!   
  
KONDO: Right.   
  
GUARD #1: Oh, if-- if-- if, uhh-- if-- if-- w-- ehh-- i-- if-- if we--   
  
KONDO: Yes? What is it?   
  
GUARD #1: Oh, i-- if-- i-- oh--   
  
KONDO: Look, it's quite simple.   
  
GUARD #1: Uh...   
  
KONDO: You just stay here and make sure 'e doesn't kill anyone. All right?   
  
GUARD #2: Hic!   
  
KONDO: Right.   
  
GUARD #1: Oh, I remember. Uhh, can he kill us?   
  
KONDO: N-- no, no. No. You can kill but he can't--   
  
GUARD #1: Oh, yes. We'll kill, obviously, but if he had to kill us, because we tried to maul him--   
  
KONDO: No, no, no, no. Don't kill him and he can't kill you--   
  
GUARD #1: Until you or anyone else--   
  
KONDO: No, not anyone else. Just me.   
  
GUARD #1: Just you.   
  
GUARD #2: Hic!   
  
KONDO: Get back.   
  
GUARD #1: Get back.   
  
KONDO: All right?   
  
GUARD #1: Right. We'll stay here until you get back.   
  
GUARD #2: Hic!   
  
KONDO: And, uh, make sure he doesn't kill.   
  
GUARD #1: What?   
  
KONDO: Make sure 'e doesn't kill.   
  
GUARD #1: Okita?   
  
KONDO: Yes. Make sure 'e doesn't kill..or die.   
  
GUARD #1: Oh, yes, of course.   
  
GUARD #2: Hic!   
  
GUARD #1: Ah. I thought you meant him. You know, it seemed a bit daft me havin' to keep him from killing when we're in a war and such.   
  
KONDO: Is that clear?   
  
GUARD #2: Hic!   
  
GUARD #1: Oh, quite clear. No problems.   
  
KONDO: Right. Where are you going?   
  
GUARD #1: We're coming with you.   
  
KONDO: No, no. I want you to stay here and make sure 'e doesn't kill.   
  
GUARD #1: Oh, I see. Right.   
  
OKITA: But Sempai!   
  
KONDO: Shut your noise, you! And get that kimono on! [hack, cough] And no tuberculosis!   
  
GUARD #2: Hic!   
  
KONDO: And stay out of the sake! [clank]   
  
OKITA: [writing] [scribble scribble scribble fold fold] [grabs arrow and bow, shoots] [twong]   
  
End Scene  
  
----------  
  
A/N: -_-; Is it just me or is this getting beyond the point of stupidity?  
  
Uh huh...  
  
No individual thanks this time, but I do muchly appreciate your reviews!! ^_^  
  
OI! This fic also got nominated for the RKRC awards for best Humour story for 2002. yay me! ^^; I highly doubt I stand a chance against some of those awesome works out there like Gochan's "A Rurouni's Guide to Idiocy" But it's nice to know some of ya'll thought I was worthy enough to be nominated. *hugs and doughnuts to all* Anywho, I'm rambling. I'll try to have the next scene out soon!   
  
Now be ever so kind and leave me a reviews. I love them. They're like virtual cookies. You can't have just one.  
  
**Ignore the grammar, I do**  
  
Phoe-chan 


	15. Translations for Dubbies or Japilliterat...

Okay people...(Sorry, no update, yet) ...  
  
I've had some people ask for some translations or what some of these Japanese words mean. I was being an idiot and forgot most Monty Python fans aren't gonna have a crash course on Japanese. And with all the new dubbies in who probably don't even know what 'ORO' means, I thought I'd post a little intermission with some translations for some of the words in the previous chapters.   
  
These are in the orders I find them so uhh, bear with me and all that great stuff.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own the Japanese language. I can barely pronounce it as it is. Don't make me out to be something more than I am. I also do not own Notepad, the document I am using to type this up. I use it a lot but it belongs to those people who can make programs like they can write their name. I also do not own the english alphabet, seeing as I am using it to type this up. I also do not own *SACK* *THAM* *THUMP* *WHOMP* *missing a great many teeth and has several bruises* I...d-do not own...in-ssuuurrrancceee....*thud*  
  
Onward, with the, uh..insanity..and like of that. And just..ignore my comments along with the translations. I really do have a tendency to ramble on...  
  
----------  
  
Rurouni: Means wanderer, word made up by Watasuki-sempai.  
  
Sakabato: Reversed blade sword, respectively. The weapon of the story! ^____^  
  
Tanuki: basically, a raccoon. Kaoru's unofficial nickname.  
  
Bokken: Wooden sword.  
  
Baka: Fool; Idiot  
  
Miso: Soup. Good stuff.  
  
Bonzai: Japanese war cry  
  
Kunoichi: Female ninja  
  
Sushi: raw fish food  
  
geisha: women performers  
  
wasabi: Japanese horseradish  
  
de gozaru yo/ka/ya: Kenshin's way of speaking. added on to the end of phrases for added politeness. He's old fashioned. Apparently in the dubbed they make up for this by having him say "That it is, That I am, That you are, etc" It's really sickening..stupid dubbers...  
  
Sessha: Another bit on Kenshin's dialogue. It is his way of saying "I". Basically it translates to "This Unworthy One." Ain't he a sweetie?  
  
Baka Denshi: Stupid pupil.  
  
Dojo: training school.   
  
Oros: Do I REALLY gotta explain this? It's Kenshin's catch word. Some people say its a play off of "ara" which is an exasperation. He says this after being hit, confused, beaten, embarassed, etc...  
  
Shinsengumi: the enemy Kenshin fought during the bakumatsu (revolutionary war for japan) Saitoh is an ex Shinsen, as is Okita.  
  
Samurai: C'mon people! Surely you know this, no? -_-; it's a warrior. "Samurai X" *snickers and runs off laughing*  
  
Nani: What?  
  
Tsuzukeru/Tsuzuku: I get asked this one a lot. Kinda thought it was obvious, but what do I know? I'm on a different brain-wave than everyone else. It's why i can pick up cable through my ears. It means "To Be Continued"  
  
-dono: Suffix that Kenshin uses, very old fashioned and polite. It's like "Mrs, Miss, Mr. etc..." Like -san but more formal.  
  
Hajime Mashite: How do you do?  
  
Shihondai: *waves hand* drat..what Kaoru is..instructor..not the head..the ah, assistant..no..drat! . Stupid brain ..it went asleep. Whatever. it's not important. .;;  
  
Gi: training uniform. Usually, the top. (Kenshin's is pin--magenta. *whispers* Never say it's pink! Kenshin will hurt you!)  
  
Battousai: Manslayer. Kenshin's nickname.  
  
Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu: Kenshin's Sword Style  
  
Amakakeru Ryu no Hirameki: Ken's succession techinque.  
  
Nanda: What? Do What?  
  
Kami-sama: God  
  
Busu: Ugly, hag (Yahiko's nickname for Kaoru)  
  
Aku Soku Zan: *ehem* If you read the scene, you see right they say this, the translation "Evil Swiftly Slain" Or the version I like better but wasn't as easy to chant "Kill Evil Instantly."  
  
JupponGatana: Ten Swords. Shishio's group that wanted to take over Japan.  
  
Ahou: Saitoh's trademark word. Means "moron".  
  
*is moving through scenes, reads Kuroiyousei's parody of the Knights of the Round Table, sings along, laughs then goes back to translating* O_o. Not in that order, either.  
  
Sake: rice wine  
  
Shisho: Master  
  
Gatotsu: Saitoh's special attack. ^.^  
  
Keh, not even going to TRY and translate the French stuff. Besides, I think it's funny all the same. Enishi speaking french..XD  
  
soba: Noodles. Saitoh seems to like these a lot...  
  
irrashai: welcome  
  
kawaii: cute  
  
Kunai: Mini-daggers for throwing. Misao's trademark weapons. ^^  
  
Hakama: Japanese style pants  
  
Tenken: Heavenly Sword, Soujiro's epithet, nickname, whatever.  
  
on'na: woman  
  
Shukuchi: Soujiro's natural gift. That which surpasses Godspeed.  
  
Suzaku Seishi: soldiers of Suzaku from Fushigi Yuugi. o.o;;  
  
Mou: an exasperation like "oh my!" can even be used as a mild curse...  
  
itai: ouch!  
  
yaoi: like shonen ai but more..err detailed. BoyXBoy love. Gayness, whatever. Quite common in the world of anime.  
  
Hai: YES! (btw, I've noticed this often and i resist the urge to correct it...I see people use hai as in going "Yes?" like answering a question by acknowledging it. "Hey, you." "Hai?" That's incorrect. Hai/Iie (yes/no) are used only to confirm an affirmative or negative sentence. *coughs* anywho, onward)  
  
Shoji: rice-paper door.  
  
Ryu Tsui Sen: Another of Ken's attacks.  
  
sempai: One's elder  
  
kimono: japanese formal wear, usually.  
  
Well, that's it for so far. Blargh. Now that should clear up most of your questions on the translations. If I translated anything wrong, it's because its a quarter to 6 AM and I've not gone to bed. Granted, over the past two days i've spent a total of 30 hours in bed, but yeah, apathy tends to make a person do that. No need to review this chapter unless you want to know something else or have more questions, but if that's the case you can just email/IM me. I don't bite, unless you're jello or bacon and I certainly will respond as quickly as I can. Until then, Phoe-chan is going to work on getting some of her other fics updated and pull herself out of the flunk of not working on them. I think I have pissed off some readers for not updating but if they knew the whole story.....they'd probably still be pissed off. *shrugs* Oh well.   
  
Hugs to you all for keeping in tune! And..I need an idea for who is going to be Saitoh's servant. Any suggestions? If I don't come up with one soon, I'm using an obsessed Saitoh-fan. Yare, yare. Ja mata ne!  
  
*bows*  
  
Phoe-chan 


	16. Scene 15: Die already, will ya!

A/N: I'm back! With a double update! yay me! *hops*   
  
Disclaimer: i r not teh ownzerz.  
  
----------  
  
Rurouni Kenshin and the Holy Sakabato  
  
Scene 15  
  
----------  
  
SAITOH: Jump, boy.   
  
EIJI: Yes, Sir. You're *most* kind.   
  
SAITOH: And again. Over we go! Wee! Wait, I mean..Good. And now, the big one. Uuh! Come on, Eiji.   
  
[thwonk]   
  
EIJI: Message for you, sir. [fwump]   
  
SAITOH: Crap... Brat? BRAT! Wake up, I didn't say you could nap! 'To whoever finds this note: I have been imprisoned by my sempai, who wishes me to marry against my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in the Tall Tower of Army Dojo.' At last! I can save a chick and dump Tokio! Stupid arranged marriages...*cough* I mean...this could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Sakabato! Ehh, well it looks like you didn't died in vain.  
  
EIJI: Uh, I'm-- I'm not quite dead, sir.   
  
SAITOH: Well, why not? At least you'll bleed to death.   
  
EIJI: I-- I-- I think I c-- I could pull through, sir.   
  
SAITOH: Oh, I see. Damn.  
  
EIJI: Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you, sir--   
  
SAITOH: No, no, stupid gaki. Stay here. I will send help as soon as I have accomplished a bloody and gorey rescue in my own particular... [sigh]   
  
EIJI: Idiom, sir?   
  
SAITOH: Idiom!   
  
EIJI: No, I feel fine, actually, sir.   
  
SAITOH: Get lost, ahou.   
  
EIJI: I'll, um-- I'll just stay here, then. Shall I, sir? Yeah. ...Bastard.  
  
End Scene  
  
----------  
  
A/N: Short, so I'm doing another. Yay!  
  
Be happy, darnit.  
  
:D reviieewwwww!  
  
**Ignore the grammar, I do**  
  
Phoe-chan 


	17. Scene 16: Hurry, Sir Saitoh! Hurry!

A/N: Saitoh-ness. And...Okita-ness. Yay!  
  
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Nothing does not own me.  
  
----------  
  
Rurouni Kenshin and the Holy Sakabato  
  
Scene 16  
  
----------  
  
[inside dojo]   
  
PRINCESS SERENITY and SCOUTS: [giggle giggle giggle]   
  
  
  
[outside castle]   
  
GUEST: 'Morning!   
  
HARADA: 'Morning.   
  
TAKEDA: Oooh.   
  
HARADA: [ptoo]   
  
SAITOH: Ha ha! Hiyya! [slash, cut]  
  
TAKEDA: Hey!  
  
SAITOH: Hiyya!, Ha!, etc. [choppy choppy]  
  
  
  
PRINCESS SERENA and SCOUTS: [giggle giggle giggle]   
  
SAITOH: Ha ha! Huy!   
  
GUESTS: Uuh! Aaah! [die]  
  
SAITOH: Ha ha! And take this! Aah! Hiyah! Aah! Aaah! Hyy! Hya! Hiyya! Ha!...   
  
GUARD #1: Now, you're not allowed to enter the room-- aaugh!   
  
SAITOH: O fair one, behold your humble samurai, Sir Saitoh of Kamiya. I have come to take y-- Oh, I'm terribly sorry...[twitch]   
  
OKITA: You got my note!   
  
SAITOH: Uh, well, I-- I got a-- a note.   
  
OKITA: You've come to rescue me! [clasps hands together and goes starry-eyed]  
  
SAITOH: Uh, well, no. You see, I hadn't--   
  
OKITA: I knew someone would. I knew that somewhere out there... [cough]   
  
SAITOH: Eww...   
  
OKITA: ...there must be... someone...   
  
KONDO: Stop that! Stop that! Stop it! Stop it! Who are you?   
  
OKITA: I'm your student!   
  
KONDO: No, not you.   
  
SAITOH: Uh, I am Sir Saitoh, sir.   
  
OKITA: [grins] He's come to rescue me, Sempai!  
  
SAITOH: Well, let's not jump to conclusions.   
  
KONDO: Did you kill all those guards?   
  
SAITOH: Well, I don't like to brag but, yeah..I did.   
  
KONDO: They cost fifty pounds each!   
  
SAITOH: Psh. That was a waste of money.   
  
OKITA: Don't be afraid of him, Sir Saitoh. I've got a rope all ready.   
  
  
  
KONDO: You killed eight wedding guests in all!   
  
SAITOH: Well, uh, you see, the thing is, I thought your pupil was a lady.   
  
KONDO: I can understand that.   
  
OKITA: Hurry, Sir Saitoh! Hurry!   
  
KONDO: Shut up! You only killed the bride's talking cat, that's all!   
  
SAITOH: You mean I didn't get blonde in the tutu? I didn't mean to kill hte cat. I like cats...   
  
KONDO: Didn't mean to?! You put your katana right through its head! With the butt end!!  
  
SAITOH: Is that even possible?   
  
KONDO: You even kicked the bride in the chest! Her implants fell out!  
  
SAITOH: HA! I knew those were fake! Never out of Kamiya have I seen--  
  
KONDO: Kamiya? Are you from, uh, Kamiya?   
  
OKITA: Hurry, Sir Saitoh!   
  
SAITOH: Sadly, I am a Samurai of King Kenshin, sir.   
  
KONDO: Very nice dojo, Kamiya. Uh, very good tofu country.   
  
SAITOH: Is it?   
  
OKITA: Hurry! I'm ready!   
  
KONDO: Would you, uh, like to come and have a drink?   
  
SAITOH: Thought you'd never ask.   
  
OKITA: I am ready!   
  
SAITOH: ...um, I mean thanks for asking. [Kondo unties rope] [thonk] Um,... [woosh]   
  
OKITA: Oooh!   
  
SAITOH: ...I'm afraid when I'm in this idium, I sometimes get a bit, uh, sort of carried away.   
  
KONDO: That's 'idiom', stupid.   
  
OKITA: Oooh! [splat]   
  
End Scene  
  
----------  
  
A/N: I can't believe I did that to poor Okita! And I'm supposed to be working on "Sleeping with Wolves", too! Now I'm gonna think of Okita as a wussy boy! oops. o.O;;  
  
Thanks for reading! Now review, please!!  
  
**Ignore the grammar, I do**  
  
Phoe-chan :D 


	18. Scene 17: It Spreads Fast

AN: *crawls from under a rock, dusts self off and grins* NEXT PIECE POSTED! *crickets chirp* Aww, C'mon guys.. I came back.... a little sympathy for poor Phoe-chan? *crickets quit chirping*  
  
Poo. ;_;  
  
Disclaimer: I got a lovely bunch o' coconuts... that is all that I own. Holy Grail, Ruroken, neither do I own! Oh, I would never have to do this for *SACK*  
  
----------  
  
Rurouni Kenshin and the Holy Sakabato  
  
Scene 17  
  
----------  
  
GUESTS: [crying; looting; graverobbing and calling insurance agencies]   
  
KONDO: Well, this is the main hall. We're going to have all this knocked through and made into one big, uh, swimming pool.   
  
SAITOH: Swimming pool?  
  
KONDO: Yes. Much cheaper than the original idea for a labrinyth.  
  
GUEST: There he is!   
  
KONDO: Oh, bloody hell.   
  
[exciting music, a little off key]   
  
SAITOH: Ha ha ha! [dives forward, leaving his katana behind] Hey! Ha ha!   
  
KONDO: Hold it! Stop it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Hold it! Please! First of all, if you're going to attack, you better take your sword with you, secondly, these are my guests!  
  
SAITOH: Sorry. Sorry. You see what I mean? I just get carried away. My doctor says I have obsessive-compulsive-slashing disorder. Sorry! Sorry, everyone.   
  
GUEST #1: He's killed the best dog!   
  
GUESTS: [yelling; shrieking; howling; and squealing]   
  
KONDO: Hold it! Hold it! Please! Hold it! This is Sir Saitoh from the Dojo of Kamiya, a very brave and influential samurai, although a bit scary with those eyes, and my special guest here today.   
  
SAITOH: Um, hello. My name is Saitoh and I'm an alcoholic.  
  
GUEST #2: He killed my auntie!   
  
GUESTS: [playing twister]   
  
KONDO: Please! Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here today to witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy wedlock and drink lots of beer. Unfortunately, one of them, my student, Okita, has just fallen to his death. But, in that happening, I have gained two million dollars on that insurance policy I took out last week!  
  
GUESTS: Oh! Oh, no!   
  
KONDO: But I don't want to think I've not lost a studet, so much as... gained a lovely daughter! [clap clap clap] For, since the tragic death of her cat--   
  
GUEST #2: It's not quite dead!   
  
KONDO: Since the near fatal wounding of her cat--   
  
GUEST #2: It's getting better!   
  
KONDO: For, since her own talking cat, who, when it seemed about to recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon it. [random guard strangles cat and tosses into a vat of mustard]  
  
CAT: GURGLE!  
  
GUEST #2: Oh, it's crispy!  
  
KONDO: And I want it's only owner to look upon me as her old pappy, in a very real and legally binding sense. [clap clap clap] And I feel sure that the merger-- er, the union between the Moon girl and the brave, but creepy, Sir Saitoh of Kamiya--   
  
SAITOH: Over your dead body, old man.   
  
GUEST #2: Look! The dead shinsengumi!   
  
GUESTS: Oooh! The dead Okita!   
  
EIJI: He's not quite dead.   
  
OKITA: No, I feel much better. [Kawaii grin]  
  
KONDO: You fell out of the Tall Tower, you baka! And there were alligators, jagged rocks and a box of thumbtacks at the bottom of the tower!  
  
OKITA: No, I was saved at the last minute. [smug grin]  
  
KONDO: How?! What?! How?  
  
SAITOH: Three excellent questions, genius.  
  
OKITA: Well, I'll tell you. [cough]   
  
KONDO: Not like that! Not like that! No! Stop it! I don't need them knowing  
  
GUESTS: [gasp-shock] He's going to tell! Eww, he's coughing up blood!  
  
KONDO: Shut uuup!   
  
GUESTS: [gagging] He's gonna faint!  
  
KONDO: Shut up!   
  
GUESTS: [puking] He's making us sick!  
  
KONDO: Shut up!   
  
GUESTS: [deducing] He's gay!   
  
KONDO: Not like that! I raised no gay student!  
  
GUESTS: [staring] He's got TB! He's gonna DIE!  
  
EIJI: Quickly, sir!   
  
GUESTS: [panicing mob] He's gonna infect us all!   
  
EIJI: Come this way! Before the contamination crew gets here!   
  
GUESTS: [coughing] WE'RE MELTING! AHH, WE'RE DYING! HELP US!   
  
SAITOH: No! It's not right for my idiom! I can run through a crowd of sickly people!  
  
GUESTS: [collapsing] AIIEEE!  
  
SAITOH: I must escape more... [sigh]   
  
GUESTS: [dying] Oh, THE PAIN!  
  
EIJI: Safely, sir?   
  
SAITOH: Dramatically!   
  
EIJI: ...  
  
GUESTS: [twitching] gurglemumbletwitch...  
  
SAITOH: [grabs a rope and swings out, crashing into a cactus, two ice sculptures and a cheese statue of Barney] ARGGHH!  
  
GUESTS: [dead] 10! 8.5! 9! 9.5!   
  
SAITOH: Excuse me. Could, uh-- could somebody give me some tweezers... please?  
  
End Scene 17  
  
----------  
  
AN: After not touching this for months this was a little hard to get back into the 'feel'. ^^; Ah, well. Hope you enjoyed!   
  
If you're wanting on my update list, I've started it over merely because I know it's been months since I updated an RK fic and some of the people who were on the original list don't even read these anymore. If you want to, just please leave me a note in your review, with your email address. Or send me a note at tenkensgirl@hotmail.com.  
  
Thanks! And feel free to leave me a review :D  
  
**Ignore the grammar, I do**  
  
Phoe-chan 


	19. Scene 18: The Horrors of Fandom

**AN:** Liek, Oh Mai Gawd. Look who it is. Yeah, anyways, I know I've been really avoiding my RK fictions as of late, but I've just really been on a Naruto binge and lacking inspiration for a lot of my Sou/Mi fics. Not that I've lost interest in Sou/Mi mind you, I'm just going...slow. And I'm irritated at how ugly my older chapters are. 

But, yes! The Horror that is Monty Python shall continue to infect our societies!

You've been warned.

**Disclaimer:** (gurgle)

**Rurouni Kenshin and the Holy Sakabato**

Scene 18: _The Horrors of Fandom._

* * *

(King Author music, sounds of burnt riceballs smacking against each other and sounds of a cat being mangled) 

KENSHIN: Young lady. (music stops, ending in a tinkle from a triangle and a moo from a cow) Is there anywhere we can find...(voice drops to a whisper) yaoi tickets?

FANGIRL: LIEK OMG! YOU WANT TO GO TO YAOICON TOO! AHH! IT'S KENSHIN! I LOVE KENxSANO PAIRING AND AOSHIxSOUJIRO PAIRING!11!one!

KENSHIN: ...

AOSHI: ...

KENSHIN: ...

AOSHI: ...

KENSHIN: ...

AOSHI: ...

PHOE-CHAN: OK, cut it out you two.

FANGIRL: So, liek, whose the tickets for?

KENSHIN: The Geisha who Squeak Mou.

FANGIRL: Oh, hell no. I'm not giving my tickets up to a bunch of prissy prostitutes.

AOSHI: Actually, a geisha isn't a pros--

FANGIRL: I don't care! Tickets are mine!

KENSHIN: If you don't cooperate with us, we'll be forced to use drastic measures.

FANGIRL: Do your worst!

AOSHI: With pleasure.

KENSHIN: (turns to AOSHI with starry-eyes) Oh, Aoshi-sama!

AOSHI: (turns to KENSHIN with a blank look) Oh, Kenshin.

KENSHIN: You gotta be believable, Aoshi.

AOSHI: I'm perfectly in character.

KENSHIN: That's the problem. In yaoi stories, you're always OOC. Because you're not gay, right?

AOSHI: ...

KENSHIN: RIGHT?

AOSHI: ...Right.

(they embrace)

FANGIRL: (passes out from nosebleed.)

KENSHIN: HA! It worked! Let's get the tickets and go!

AOSHI: She doesn't have them

KENSHIN: What!

AOSHI: They're tickets to Nekocon.

KENSHIN: ...Shit.

MARY-SUE: Oh, you poor, poor troubled souls... Would you like me to ease your pain?

KENSHIN & AOSHI: (turn around)

KENSHIN: Hey... it's one of... _them_.

AOSHI: You don't mean...?

KENSHIN: (whispers) A Mary-sue.

AOSHI: How can you tell?

KENSHIN: Look at her. Just exactly what is her eye color? It keeps changing. She's got boobs out to here, legs longer than a giraffe's neck and big red lips that scream "I want to kiss you." Oh, and the name on her nametag is about seven syllables long. And has at least three Q's.

AOSHI: I see. I've heard about these... Mary-sue's. They screw up the story plots, don't they?

KENSHIN: I hear that wherever they go, plotholes follow.

AOSHI: That's awful. We should get rid of her soon.

MARY-SUE: Were you looking for tickets to a yaoi-con? I have some if you would like them...

KENSHIN & AOSHI: (manic grins)

End Scene 18.

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**AN:** Well, I'll bet that's the scariest damned thing I've ever written in my life. 

If you're not passed out on the floor from shock, be sure to leave a review. Just so I know this story isn't dead XD

_Phoe-chan_


	20. Scene 19: Megumi, the Next American Idol

**AN:** It took me a while but here's the next chapter. I think I'm lacking in the funny, though. 

**Disclaimer: **I disclaim.

**Rurouni Kenshin and the Holy Sakabato**

_Scene 19: Megumi - the Next American Idol  
_

_

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_

KENSHIN: (Covered in blood, guts, and lipstick while Aoshi is amazingly spotless, but missing his shirt and underpants. Not that we can tell.) O Geisha of Mou, we have brought the... ...(sigh) Yaoicon tickets, de gozaru. Can we go now?

HEAD GEISHA: Oh, these are nice tickets. They're seasonal tickets. I didn't even know there was a such thing as season Yaoicon tickets!

(AOSHI and KENSHIN exchange uneasy glances)

HEAD GEISHA: However, there is one small, itty bitty problem.

KENSHIN: What is that?

HEAD GEISHA: We are now... no longer the Geisha Who Say 'Mou'.

RANDOM GEISHA: Mou!

RANDOM GEISHA 2: OK, new rule. She's not allowed to speak anymore.

HEAD GEISHA: Shh! We are now the Geisha Who Say 'Ooo Eee Ooo Aah Aah Ting Tang Walla Walla Bing Bang.' We also sing it in G minor and folk dance to it.

RANDOM GEISHA: Mou!

HEAD GEISHA: Therefore, we must give you a test.

KENSHIN: What is this test, O Geisha of-- Geisha who till recently said 'Mou'?

HEAD GEISHA: Firstly, you must find... another batch of Yaoicon tickets! (dramatic chord)

KENSHIN: ...I can't believe this.

AOSHI: (Elbows KENSHIN)

KENSHIN: ...de gozaru yo.

HEAD GEISHA: Then, when you have found the tickets, you must reserve us hotel rooms at Yurisuites, preferably close to the convention center and with conventional breakfast served every morning!

GEISHA: Ohh, conventional breakfast! Yes, yes!

HEAD GEISHA: Then, upon getting us our tickets and reservations, you must proceed to have hot man-on-man sex with your friend there. ...In front of live cameras and an audience. ...Using... THIS! (Holds up a whip)

GEISHA: ...Ooooooh!

KENSHIN: We shall do no such thing! (eyes flash)

HEAD GEISHA: Oh, please!

AOSHI: Screw him? I'll cut open my stomach first.

BATTOUSAI: Be glad to do that for you.

AOSHI: ...When did you get here?

BATTOUSAI: When my counterpart passed out cold. Kicks KENSHIN on the ground So...what's going on?

AOSHI: ...Long story short, they want us to screw each other on camera.

BATTOUSAI: I'm going to kill them all.

AOSHI: (dryly) And how.

BATTOUSAI: (Kills them. In one swing. Looks like something from Bleach) Done.

HEAD GEISHA: ...You killed my harem!

AOSHI: What?

HEAD GEISHA: (pulls off wig) I'm a man! You killed my harem! I was this close to getting some!

BATTOUSAI: ...And you were wanting us to...

HEAD GEISHA: _They_ wanted it! I had to appease them!

AOSHI: And the Yaoicon tickets?

HEAD GEISHA: For them, too.

BATTOUSAI: Can I kill him?

AOSHI: Let me. You got to kill the rest.

BATTOUSAI: I'm the main character, though.

AOSHI: No, Kenshin is. You're just a schizophrenic counterpart.

BATTOUSAI: I am not.

AOSHI: My... leige--err, Oh, hell, someone wake Kenshin up. Bird-brain's back.

(BATTOUSAI douses KENSHIN with water then leaves. AOSHI takes time to kill HEAD GEISHA-MAN-PERSON)

KENSHIN: What? Huh? ...Hey, my ass doesn't hurt. That's a good thing, right?

SANO: ...What?

MEGUMI: (singing) Kumbaya, My Lord. Kumbaya... Kumbaya, My Lord. Kumbaya...

AOSHI: What is she singing?

SANO: I don't know; I don't care; but it's immensely better than 'We Like to Party'. I have it stuck in my head now.

KENSHIN: Hey, my clothes are still on, too! All right!

AOSHI: Someone, please. Make him stop. Please.

KENSHIN: Anyway, Sano, did you find the grail?

SANO: Well, I--

MEGUMI: Tried so hard, and got so far! But in the end, HE RAN LIKE A COWARD.

SANO: Can I kill her, please?

AOSHI: Let's just go. Now.

KENSHIN: Yahiko! To the Kenmobile!

YAHIKO: (To SANO) I'll trade you.

SANO: ...I think I'll keep the singing bimbo, thanks.

MEGUMI: 99 red balloons go high!

AOSHI: LEAVING. NOW.

MEGUMI: I'm leaving on a jetplane...

And We cut this scene before bloodshed of practicing doctors could occur.

(End Scene 19)

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**AN:** Yeah, not too funny. But an update in just under a year! All right! 

Maybe one day I'll bring laughs to this fiction again. Good news is that _To Make a Difference_ is almost completely revamped.

_Phoe-chan_


End file.
